single like me.

13 Jul 2010 19 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in on singleness & dating Tags: friends, life abundant., ministry, singleness

this is a re-post from my facebook page from april 15. i was inspired to post it here by lindsey nobles, who posted something similar today. xo

so, i’ve just been un-invited to a party because i didn’t have a date to bring. and i wasn’t really “un-invited” (in fact, i was only invited yesterday when she realized i was coming to town)…it was just sort of this awkward moment between my friend & i when she explained that the party was “couples olympics” and so i would need to bring a date. (“or…you can bring a girlfriend…?”) i love that friend so much and i am secure in our friendship and i know she didn’t mean for it be awkward or hurtful. was it awkward because of her or because of me? neither. it just is what it is. this scenario is also the perfect segue into the blog i had already starting writing in my mind this morning.

and, as is the case with all of my blogs, i feel the need to add the disclaimer that it is by no means my intention to judge where you are. while i might turn to scripture or to other inspiration, i am not putting my proverbial foot down on any theological statements. as far as that goes, bear in mind that the “church” in which i grew up was basically a living room set in the landscape of the highest peak of orange county (nc) with a vista as far as you could see. my “pastors” were john hobbs, ken helser, brennan manning, francis macnutt, and my brothers and sisters sitting around me. (nevermind that my granddad was an evangelist and all six of his brothers also dedicated their lives to ministry.) the vastness of each of their theological backgrounds was second (if that) to their love for jesus and their love for people. each one of them pointed to the lord in their own entertaining or tender way. so, my understanding of the lord and the bible is probably very different than some of yours. i myself am a recovering charismaniac and my understanding of the lord now is far different than it was 5, 10 or 15 years ago. (or yesterday, for that matter.)

i learned about three and a half years ago that i can only speak from my experience. i am not judging your experience. by telling you my story, no one else has the power to judge or tell me i’m wrong because, again, it’s simply my experience. also, you are probably not someone i am referencing in here so you can put your mind at ease.

in this very moment, i am not angry or bitter. i ate a good breakfast and got a good night’s sleep. in recent days, there’s nothing that has happened that has been particularly devastating or rewarding. i am fairly neutral in my mood right now. my soul is a tiny bit sad right now. my spirit, while it is not thriving (my own fault), is at peace. i am content. i’m in a good place. kari jobe is singing “you are good” on pandora. with that, here’s what i felt like i needed to put down. in regards to my recent status update about singleness, here’s all i’m saying:

i am not sad that i am single right now, and i don’t want you to be sad for me. this is necessary for me right now. i can do whatever i want, whenever i want to. i go to bed and i wake up alone (mostly alone…there is my furry little girl who, for the last 6+ years, has occupied the space behind the curl of my legs under the covers). i am never (hardly ever) home except to sleep and get ready for work. i have a full, busy, active life with which i am very happy. i occupy my time doing things i really enjoying doing with people i really enjoy doing them. more than anything in the world, i loooove my girlfriends, my sister and my niece that i get to see and pour my life into every day. (i also really adore my sister and brother-in-law whom i don’t get to see very often except on skype.)

i am very fortunate that there was a time in my life when more seasoned women like mary lovingood, liza howell, robin britt & elle ewell poured their lives into mine and now i have my own well of love, life, laughter, wisdom, support & encouragement to offer the other women in my life. bethany bradsher is my mentor now. each of the women listed above are married and i have good or great relationships with their husbands & families. they welcome me into their homes and i have spent a lot of time learning from them, as well as other women in my life who are married with (or without) families. at 32, most of the women i spend time with are married. a small handful of them are on their second marriages. most of them have children. some do not. some are single moms. i have a small handful of single friends, most of them are younger than i am. some of my married friends wish they were single. a lot of my single friends can’t wait to be married. i used to be one of them.

i was groomed to be married the day after i graduated from college and have all five of my children by the time i was 30. i’m not sure exactly how i anticipated that happening because i went to a women’s college. not only that, i was painfully awkward around guys. i was painfully awkward, period. just uncomfortable in my own skin all the way around. i was most comfortable on stage performing (as someone else) or painting (getting lost). i didn’t do anything that would enable to me to meet guys, i spent most of my time on campus in the theatre, art studio or traveling with the chamber singers.

here are the facts: i was raised in a family of three girls by my mom (and dad) and her six sisters and i went to a women’s college. there were no prominent men in my life save for my dad and granddad(s) and uncles who would come & go. i did not get married the day after i graduated from college, which now i thank god for because i would be twice-divorced by now, to be sure. i would have chosen a completely different type of person then than i would now. instead, i made an absolute mess of my twenties only for god to soften my heart and lead me toward him in a real and honest and tender way just in time to start a new decade. (i have always known him, i just took some liberties that i had to allow him to straighten out in me.) there is nothing in the world i would trade for that time in my life, or for this time, for that matter. i was not taught how to “catch a man” or given lessons on being a good wife or mother aside from the examples given me by the women in my life. for better or worse, i have had adult-size boyfriends and i learned something from them and myself in each relationship. but i see now that my life was designed to teach me how to offer hope and encouragement to other women. i don’t know how to be married because i haven’t been married. i know how to be single and how to be a woman because i’m both of these. i don’t create new friendships with men because there’s not anything really healthy or necessary for me in doing that at this point in my life. (plus, i’m still a little bit awkward with men.) i do have men friends who are like brothers…to elaborate would be to write a whole new blog, so suffice it to say, most of my investments of time, wisdom and love right now are for the women in my life. there is nothing i would rather do with my time, energy or space. the prayer of my heart since…well, since i’ve had the wherewithal the pray it…has been, “lord, i would go through it all again if it means it can help someone else.” my sweet precious friend melanie says, “god doesn’t waste pain.” he sure does not.

i started off thinking i would somehow put some folks in their place. instead…i guess i just want you to know that i’m okay with my singleness. not only am i okay with it, i love it. i don’t know if i’ll ever be married. that’s really just up to life and god, i guess. i guess it’s something i desire, but it’s not something i’m searching for. i think i’d be an awesome mom and would be fine to have them…but i’m not sure i want kids anymore. (there, i said it.) i kind of want to adopt older kids. and i might just do that on my own. in the meantime, i really like being mobile and don’t take for granted that i can be.

but the thing is, it is not encouraging to hear the following:

“god’s just preparing you”…uh, really? because when you got married at 22 or 24 or 48, you were really “prepared”? does god just need to cook me longer? are you better than me? because that’s what you’re implying.

“it happens when you least expect it.” well, that’s fine, but -in earnest- i’m so worn out right now that not only am i not expecting it, i have been walking away from it all together.

“god has a plan for you.” right. i know that. i guess. i think…rather…well, let’s see, it says he has a plan to prosper and not to harm me, to give hope and a bright future…does it offer an exception for marrieds? for singletons like me? it doesn’t say anything about that. the bible offers instruction for married people and illustrates the lives of several single people. jesus was single. so…? anyway.

“he’s out there. just you wait.” really!? where!? …i don’t believe any more that there is only one person for each of us. my experience of god and my witness of marriage and relationships has taught me that there are good, better and best choices but eventually we just get to choose the person we want next to us as we wrestle out and enjoy a life of adventure together.

“it’s so much better” or “my life changed (or began) the day i met…” uh…are you kidding me? is that true? kill me now if that’s the case. what am i even doing here if life hasn’t begun yet for me?? …think a little harder about that statement and say it to me again.

my life has been for the last few years and continues to be to pursue god with all of my heart so that i can be free and help set others free. i learned from joe petree via ken helser recently, “in my younger days, i prayed ‘lord, use me in someone’s life today’ and now i pray, ‘lord, let me not hurt anyone today.’” (ugh, that is so my new prayer.) that’s not to say i wouldn’t have been able to (or you can’t) walk deeply with the lord if i were married and, if it’s part of my journey that i do live out the rest of the days next to someone else, then i will choose someone who is secure enough in our marriage and in the lord to know that my relationship with the lord is more important than my relationship with them (and vice versa).

i don’t pretend to know all there is to know about being a parent or being married – or anything, for that matter. okay, i do pretend i know some things about both but i am fully aware that i am neither a parent or a wife. however, i watch and listen to some of my friends who are in MISERABLE marriages (and those who are extremely happy) and quietly thank god that is not my life as i earnestly pray that he will somehow make it better for them. i have learned A LOT just by being around my married friends and their families. my main point-of-reference for parenting was living with my sister and my niece for the first 19 months of her life, and now just a mile-and-a-half down the road. i want everything that is good and wonderful in the world for her. there is nothing i wouldn’t do for her if it would help her grow and become a better person. i want her to be as adventurous and fearless at 30 as she is right now at 2 years old. and i want her to make mistakes and miss opportunities and have her heart broken if it means the lord will use her tears and her life to glorify him. i wish i could protect her from life-stuff, but i cannot. i will do everything i can to make her life complete and wonderful, but i cannot prevent life from happening around or to her. i can only help set an example for how to respond to it and to god. i believe she can do anything in the world she wants to do and i will encourage her in every way to pursue every dream in her heart. that’s what i’ve learned about parenting, but i’m still not her parent and the one she has is uh-MAzing and could certainly do it with or without my help.

i know there is a smaller group of people who know what it’s like to be single in their thirties v. married. let me just put this out there: if you’ve never been single in your thirties, then i would probably just all together veer away from offering “encouragement” to your friends who are as it relates to their own relationship status. to me, being single is no big deal. but it is MAGNIFIED when my well-meaning friends who have never been here try to offer “support”. (and nothing is pretty when it is magnified.) so…just don’t. please.

BUT…DO remember your single friends! i hope my friends’ “couples olympics” is fun on saturday! (i know it will be.) and she does not need to feel bad AT ALL about…whatever it is that happened. couples do couple things and singles do single things. i know she’ll call me next time she has a less couple-y party. perfect. in the meantime, i will still have sunday-funday with karen and her husband (my friend) ben and will still have bible study, and have dinner with, and walk-run half-marathons with, and take classes with my single and married friends alike. just because i may or may not be someone else’s rib doesn’t mean i don’t still enjoy spending time with you and your husband/family. (just please don’t add insult to injury by asking me to babysit. seriously?) i have much to learn from your life-experience and want to hear your thoughts and your heart as much as i would if you were single like me.

to my single girlfriends…girls, we are fine and fabulous and will still be whether or not we choose to enter into a covenant relationship with another person or not. or even if it takes rotating through a “parade of fools”, as my friend karen says, to get to him. iron sharpens iron in every relationship – albeit with your mate or your friends. in the meantime…you need no advice from me. you’re doing just fine exactly where you are.

xo