the onion, layer 913: already home.

i left yesterday at 1 to drive up to new york for bff-amy’s wedding and to see my sister and brother-in-law. what should have been a 9h 7m trip (according to mapquest) ended up taking over twelve hours, no thanks to me leaving just in time to hit rush hour traffic in dc.

if i had been on schedule, i should have been here by 9:13, according to weezy, the gps that the mayor let me borrow. at 9:39 i was fumbling through my ipod (by the by, is that illegal since texting is?) and landed on ‘ma*hash’. i have so many random songs on my ipod and when i clicked on that band i found that the one song i have in there, ‘already home’, is a duet they sing with brandi carlile, who is one of my favorites. so i listened to it.

about 17 times.

and i bawled my eyeballs out every time until i had no more tears left to cry.

because

i realize

that when my dad died, my heart no longer had a home.

he was the one place my heart was safe, even through years and years of feeling emotionally unsafe. i know that he loved me without measure or condition. i knew i could trust him with my heart, the way every father possesses his daughter’s heart. even though there were times when i withheld my heart from him for self-preservation. and it’s taken his passing, with the help of this song, to miss that part of him and me.

…man, so much water under the bridge between us…good thing the bridge itself was a short one…

and i realize

that may be the reason why i’m so adamant about being single right now.

what i mean is, i’m not sure i can afford to let my heart find another home right now. it hurts too much.

just for now is all.

(i’m hoping fairly confident this is a normal response when a girl loses her father.)

i’m thankful for the realization because it may make this part of the grieving process happen with more ease. maybe not. i don’t know. anyway, i’m thankful. and i’m thankful for the pain of missing my dad, strange as it sounds. and for that i can’t really give an explanation except to say that every good hard cry i have is a cleansing one.

and i know that jesus is my heart’s home. i know that. i do.

but on a very plain, not-so-spiritual level…or perhaps moreso…this is just about my dad.

{my heart has found its home with one other person, but it’s not the person you are thinking of. no, not him. him. but that’s just between me and the lord. (and karen.)}

and so, i give you…

already home

Packed my bags and kissed your cheek
Turned around so I didn’t see you cry, you cry
Sometimes you just can’t explain
The reasons why you have to say goodbye,goodbye

It took something, it took falling,
It took distance, it took time,
It took a lot of getting lost to realize

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone
I was already home, sometimes you’re too close to see
The one thing that you really need has been there all along
It took leaving you to know, I was already home

It took a long, long road to see,
What matters most in life to me was gone, was gone
But I thought what I was looking for
Was right here waiting at your door
I was wrong, so wrong

It took tumbling, it took falling,
It took distance, it took time,
It took a lot of getting lost to realize

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone
I was already home, sometimes you’re too close to see
The one thing that you really need has been there all along
It took leaving you to know

I was so caught up in the thrill of something different
Something new,
It took a lot of missing you to see the truth

I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone
I was already home, sometimes you’re too close to see
The one thing that you really need has been there all along
It took leaving you to know (It took leaving you to know)
I was already home
I was already home

*love you dad-o*

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rachel
    Aug 06, 2010 @ 09:02:28

    I found your blog earlier in the week and I am loving the honesty, particularly the post titled “vegetable stew.” A lot of the things on that list are or were me as well. I can’t imagine the loss of a parent, but I think as long as your pain points you back to God, you’re on the right path.

  2. Heatherly
    Aug 06, 2010 @ 10:49:10

    I love your heart, MK. I’m praying for your heart to be completely healed.

    • mary kathryn tyson
      Aug 06, 2010 @ 11:07:15

      thank you, sweet precious. it takes as long as it takes, doesn’t it? with each new revelation, it heals more. but, from what i understand, you never fully recover from the loss of a parent (awesome!) it’s just part of the mess, isn’t it!? love you, girl. xo

  3. Lou
    Aug 06, 2010 @ 16:38:37

    Oh MK, you put words to my emotions. Thank you. Friends say to me, you will love again. No, but I am old. I will always be John’s wife, I have no desire to love another intimately and that is ok. You, my dear will heal enough to love again, or maybe not, but you choose. Thank you so much for your blog. You have helped old lou lou so. I love you. always have, always will.

  4. Charissa Steyn
    Aug 07, 2010 @ 01:26:27

    Every good cry is indeed cleansing… I know this all too well…
    Don’t you love it when God speaks through a song like that! Thanks for sharing your heart lady. I am sure many people are touched through your journey with the Lord :)

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