no fear lives here?
17 Aug 2010 23 Comments
in encouragement for the journey, on suddenly losing my dad Tags: abundant life, dad, death, fear, freedom, therapy
you’ve heard me talk about karen, my therapist, as the singlemost person god has used in my life. also on my Top Ten List of People Who Have Influenced Me Most: my theatre director from college, kenny gannon.
particularly when i feel afraid, i can hear him emphatically yell, ‘do it afraid!’ or ‘walk right up to the cannon’s mouth!’
last october, The Thing I’ve Feared Most in this World happened when my dad died suddenly.
as a result, one gift i’ve been given through his death has been a freedom from fear (for the most part). and i’m reminded of john 4:18, which says in the niv,
there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love.
for all the water that was under the bridge between us, the love between us now is unfiltered and unconditional and pure. my dad’s and my relationship is now perfect in his death, which leads me to a deeper understanding of the cross. when god’s love is truly perfected in me, i don’t have to be -i won’t be- afraid of him.
you don’t have to be afraid of him.
because his love is perfect.
and he is not out to punish us.
i walked through, and continue to walk through, the worst, most painful thing i was ever afraid i would have to walk through in my entire life. ever.
now that that’s happened, there’s not much else for me to be afraid of. i made it.
i am making it.
some days i still get afraid. of a lot of things. mostly things that haven’t happened.
but, when it comes down to it, i realize there really is nothing i have to be afraid of anymore.
the worst is over.
i no longer wait for the other shoe to drop.
i don’t have to be afraid anymore.
fear can’t be my secret excuse that holds me back anymore. and if i find that it is holding me back, then i have to wonder if the deeper issue for me is that i need to go to jesus again and let him perfect his love in me. the love that says, ‘do no be afraid, mary kathryn. i’m with you.’
and in those moments when my fear is shouting louder than the still, small voice, i have to, like kenny said, do it afraid (even if i don’t have my lines memorized).
have you walked up to the cannon’s mouth lately?
do you need to?
the lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (deuteronomy 31:8)
Aug 17, 2010 @ 09:08:08
Fear is still my biggest enemy. But I have learned to run headlong into fear because is He is always there waiting for me when I make the choice not to be overcome. And I have no fear of Fear. I spent the majority of my life being insanely fearful of just about everything. It’s a wonder that I functioned at all. People need to hear more about what you have said because the Enemy uses fear to keep people locked up inside of themselves. This prevents them from being who they truly are and doing what they are called to do. AWESOME! *smooch, hug*
QSB
Aug 17, 2010 @ 10:18:46
what she said.
Aug 17, 2010 @ 10:36:55
When we are afraid His peace is near.
When we are unsure His sureness is with us.
He is the quiet voice that says “you are not alone”…
I have dealt with fear often… and I know that when I do I have to rest on the promise that HE is bigger, stronger… and more able to take care of the situation. I have to trust.
Aug 17, 2010 @ 11:16:47
that is good news to me!
i also have to trust better, more.
thank you, sharon.
xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 13:33:13
Keep writing MK – not only is it cathardic for you – but sure a blessing to those of us who are reading. I was just thinking yesterday how I really want to learn how to be joyful no matter what my circumstances. I understand on paper and in my head, but just have to figure out how to do the heart transfer.
Love you.
Aug 17, 2010 @ 13:51:19
oh, i am so glad, sweet amy. it surely has been cathartic for me – to write for myself and what i’m learning so that i can see it in front of me – but also to be encouraging to fellow pilgrims of the journey.
joy in the journey is huge, isn’t it? ironically, for me, it’s been the most dramatic and painful things that teach me joy. i think i’ve just gotten tired of being like eeyore when i know now there’s so much more. some days are harder than others, though, that’s for darn sure.
you are a great wordsmith, amy! you should totally blog!
love you, sweet soul sister. miss your face!
xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 15:42:35
On a day when I feel like my head might be stuck IN the cannon– I appreciated this SO much! I love the DO IT AFRAID directions. Indeed.
Forwards– march! Thanks MK.
Aug 17, 2010 @ 15:55:25
donna! i’ve been missing you! hope you’re well, sweet lady. xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 16:59:49
Mary K, your blog is really uplifting. It is so seldom that one comes accross a raw, honest, encouraging Christian blog. I saw your comment on the controversial Sex and the City article by Alone With Cats and I immediately thought – hey I ‘know’ this lady, we are very similar.
The revelation of Jesus has changed me forever, but I have had to carry many burdens put on me by overly charismatic churches. After 6 years of solid committment to one church, I broke down because I knew that my heart was far from my saviour. I did many things for the approval of man (and I got the pat on the back I wanted), but I felt empty and still longed for His acceptance.
I have been unchurched since December and it’s been a journey. I know that I need to experience His grace in its totality. I know that nothing will pluck me out of his hands (John), that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans), that when I am faithless He remains faithful for He cannot deny himself (Timothy) – and I know that even my faith is a gift from Him(Ephesians) …. but this head knowledge needs to be transferred to my heart which so often feels condemned, especially when I come into contact with those who are quick to judge. Reading some of your posts this evening was soothing for my soul – I need to be around people like you who know how to love. After all, this is the only law we are under – the law of love
Keep writing, I will be back. I tried to start a personal blog about this spiritual journey, but I just felt heavy every time I approached it. Maybe at a later stage I will pick that one up again. Instead I started a blog about frivolous stuff (which is contrary to my personality), but it helps me to remain light-hearted – nothing inspirational. But what I’m trying to get at is – thank you for putting yourself out there. I am encouraged.
Aug 17, 2010 @ 17:13:07
amy. i am. moved. to. tears. the hairs on my arm are standing straight up. i could have written this EXACT message about…6-ish years ago. this.EXACT.message. you are why i’m here. exactly for you. you are a reminder of why god brought me through all he brought me through and why he allowed me to go through as much as he did. i am so glad you found me. so, so glad. i am here for you through your journey. i have been *exactly* where you are (even being ‘un-churched since december – that’s when i left my charismaniac church, too, and began my lone journey with jesus; and wanting to ‘journal’ but not really knowing how during that time without making anyone want to stab themselves in the eye with a fork.) i want to encourage you and i believe in you and exactly where you are on your journey. two steps forward and one step back. one day at a time, soul sister.
and you will not regret one moment of messing up and starting over again and messing up and then messing up again and losing it and feeling like a bad christian and…because you will know grace like never before. my prayer is that you are already experiencing that. i know the condemnation. ugh. i’m so sorry. therefore there is *NOW* no condemnation in christ. not one bit, sweet amy. none at all. no matter the mistakes you are making as a believer who might still be making compromising choices. not one bit of condemnation. NOT.ONE.
p.s. i am so glad someone was feeling me on that alone with cats post! i thought it was hilarious, totally thought jesus would get a kick out of it and, while i know folks meant well and were offended for christ (because he needs that, you know), thought, ‘i just want her to know that she is loved, appreciated and understood. and i’m a christian.’ …but then i didn’t want to seem like a heretic to anyone else who came to my page.
anyway, it was all for you. just so i could know you. i am so, so glad you found me. please come back and know that i am personally available to you through any part of your journey. seriously, i’m crying now.
i love you, sweet sister. truly.
xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 17:18:53
p.s. i just ran over to your blog real quick because i’m on my way out the door…girl. we are *meant* to be friends. i loooove celebrity gossip! can’t wait to read more!! xo
Aug 19, 2010 @ 17:57:48
Candid Cactus and MK, I am not sure what kind of “charismania” you experienced but I have been in the same charismatic church for 16 years. I have learned charismatic doctrine in and of itself isn’t wrong, the people around you are putting the burdens on you are wrong. I have watched “charismania” fads come and go and I have learned to trust my connection with the Holy Spirit to discern what is and isn’t of Him. I still love my church and my fellow congregants regardless of differences of opinions over non-essential doctrinal issues. I’m sorry you got burned by people, cuz it surely wasn’t God burning you.
Here’s a thought:
I nearly left my church a few times over differences of opinion and lack of trust. There were plenty of times I felt that I couldn’t trust my leaders or my fellow Christians. Specifically regarding “charismatic” tendencies, I don’t know how many times I was asked about speaking in tongues or about my quiet time. Neither of those things are regular part of my walk. When my husband and I were actively talking about leaving our church God spoke to me. He said one word, “Community”. Along with that word came revelation about what He meant. He meant, that these folks are my family and just because I don’t understand/agree with/trust people doesn’t mean that I should run out on them. I mean, no matter how hard it gets, we don’t run out on our family (there are exceptions to the rule), even when we disagree, right? I was to stick around. And boy am I glad I did. The church didn’t need changing, I did. My perspective, my thoughts, my feelings, and to some extent, my beliefs. I don’t agree with everything our pastors teach us, but I trust that their hearts are in the right place and that they are doing what they believe they are called to do. 3 years later, I love on them, and they love on me and we agree on some things and disagree on other things.
And here is the most important point about being part of a church: community. I know I am repeating here but you can’t the same things from being alone that you can from a group that loves and cares for you. Things like prayer, accountability, care, love, appreciation, guidance, counsel, wisdom, etc.
Anyway, I hope that at some point both of you can find a large, healthy group to commune with and grow by.
Best,
QSB
Aug 19, 2010 @ 18:33:34
Hi onegirl4god,
Thanks for sharing you experience, although I can say for sure that mine has been slightly different to what you described and I think that can largely be attributed to the fact that I am serious by nature and take many things to heart if they fall under the category of what ‘God wants’ and ‘what God is saying’ which is ultimately how a lot of Charismatic churches lay burdens on one.
I am often reminded of the way that Jesus rebuked the pharisees by saying:
‘You weigh the people down with burdens that they cannot carry, and yet you won’t lift a finger to help them.’
I know that it is necessary to be in church, but I also know that I have been wounded by the legalism and doctrinal herasies (harsh word, but I believe that’s what they are) which are perpetuated in many modern charasmatic churches. They do not have a strong foundation in scripture, and their understanding of scripture is poor because hardly anything is contextualised. The result is poor teaching with a focus on minor aspects of scripture – speaking in tongues, healings, etc. Major themes in the bible concerning salvation, irresistable grace and unmerited favor are ignored to prop up a climate of fear so that leaders can mantain control. This is by no means healthy.
I know that if it weren’t for God’s grace working in me, I’d be a lost cause. I honestly believe that to place the focus on man all of the time is damaging to the human soul. We are so weak and flawed – we need Jesus, and we know that we need him when we realise that there is nothing we can offer him, all has already been done on our behalf. It is finished. I even thank God for my faith which is a gift, but which some claim is the thing I continue to offer him to maintain my position of right standing.
My understanding of this walk with Jesus is that we cannot truly experience it’s power and significance without understanding how revolutionary it is – Paul was scandalously accused of preaching ‘sin more so that grace will abound more’ – if we aren’t accused of the same things, we surely aren’t preaching it the same way that Paul was. God’s grace so is undeserved, so wide and so free that it SOUNDS licentious.
It is a person’s natural inclination to feel unworthy and insecure (it is my natural inclnation at least). It is more of a challenge for me to believe that I am acceptable to Him than to believe otherwise. I have to remind myself of this grace all the time, otherwise I look at myself and begin to feel hopeless. Nothing in our world is free – everything has a price tag or fine print – but not this ONE thing, salvation. It is the good news, and a such a stumbling stone for so many. If we water down this message we make the story of Jesus into ordinary news – it is no more freeing than the scales of Islam or the seven fold path of Buddhism.
After sitting under legalism for so long, I feel broken. I had to remove myself – I left depressed. I trust that I will be back in church when the time is right, and I will make sure that I find a family where the leaders understand grace. It is so important to me now, I will not stand for anything less from a pastor, although I do continue to love all believers and accept them whole heartedly.
Thanks for engaging though, it is always good to consider things from another perspective. I hope this clarifies how I got to where I am now
Aug 19, 2010 @ 20:41:26
y’all will see that i posted at the bottom (i didn’t realize that i have a limit on how many times a single comment can be replied to). after thinking about your question, q, i realize that my experience has been that the charismaniacs are what cactus has described. charismatics, in its true form, is what you described. i have nothing against any particular sect or denomination of our faith – at all. you’re right – it’s people who hurt people. and while, no, we don’t walk out on our family, boundaries are proper and necessary. and while there is grace and forgiveness, jesus doesn’t tell us to be doormats or to endure abuse. sadly, there is ‘abuse’ in a lot of churches, not just any one kind. if you’ll go back and read…ack, i’m not sure off the top of my head which one it is…a post i did about what church is to me, i think it will help you understand what kind of ‘church’ i grew up in. i do not oppose church all together – i know the institution itself is right and good, as long as god is on the throne and in the midst and jesus is lord there. unfortunately, there are many churches that are self-agrandising and self-promoting. i myself simply lost the energy for it.
i’m on my sister’s computer and she needs it back now. hopefully you understand what i mean and i do apologize if my term ‘charismaniac’ is offensive. i made it up a while ago, but my ‘definition’ is charismatic gone awry, which as we all know can happen in any church.
love you guys.
xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 19:34:17
Just did my latest “most feared” thing, but doing it in obedience to God.
Loving your vulnerability and insight, Mary Kathryn!
Aug 17, 2010 @ 20:02:21
would love to hear about it!
just went and saw your list – i need to do that, too.
you are precious and inspiring.
love you. xo
Aug 17, 2010 @ 20:34:14
Done the fear thing myself. Except after having gone through failed fertility treatments and a failed adoption, we were blessed with an adoption that went through. Erin slept 8 hours within a few weeks, but I wasn’t because I was afraid He would take her from me. In order to release the grip fear had on my life, I told my mom. I became accountable, and then I realized that if He wanted her, He would take her and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop Him. The verse I committed to memory was Phil 4:8. My mind is a crazy place on a normal day, but back then the wheel was spinning, but there was no hamster in wheel (if you catch my drift). God is merciful and patient to work it all out for our good.
He’s going to work it all out for you too, sista.
Aug 19, 2010 @ 15:52:24
It seems like it was meant to be Mary K. Thanks for your kind words, and yes, I’m sure we will connect some more over the next while.
And I agree, that Alone With Cats post was something else, but I also just wanted her to feel accepted and her writing to stand alone for what it is and not a reflection of who she is. Some really aggressive and slightly deranged responses she got there – I hope she is very thick skinned.
I look forward to more writing gems from your side
Aug 19, 2010 @ 19:31:03
evidently i have limited how many times one comment can receive a ‘reply’.
i really appreciate where both of you are coming from. to be fair, stephanie, i haven’t shared any part of why or how i got there or how far i’ve come from that place on my own blog. just little bits and pieces. i’m not living in a burnt place anymore. i also don’t feel the need to justify or defend myself on my own page because it’s truly between me and the lord.
let it be known that all are welcome here – the catholics and the charismatics and even non-believers alike. because of the grace i’ve experienced from all forms of believers -and from god- i can accept where you both are. i have been where both of you are and i know what’s right for me, like i know you know what is right for you.
you are both welcome here to talk about your own experience in terms of what is right for *you* but please be careful to describe any way other as the ‘right’ way other than to point to jesus himself. in the end, that’s what it’s all about. ‘community’ for me looks like my small group on wednesday nights, which is enough for me.
we’re all learning on our lessons, fellow pilgrims on the same journey.
love you both very much.
xo
Aug 19, 2010 @ 20:57:13
Dear MK,
I meant no offense by my comments. Of course how you conduct your walk is between you and the Lord. And no, you don’t need to defend yourself on your page. My apologies.
Aug 20, 2010 @ 07:08:44
i know you didn’t, sweet friend. and i didn’t mean to respond so strongly – well, i did else i wouldn’t have said anything – but i wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.
i hope you saw my other comment about how i differentiate the two. it’s not really about doctrine for me, in this case i mean.
i feel fiercely protective when someone tells me they’ve been through a similar experience as i have, though cactus certainly did an excellent job of eloquently and tenderly expressing herself and doesn’t need my help at all.
god loves the church as he created it to be. i’m not on a crusade against it. i know i’m in the minority by not regularly attending anymore. have no agenda in putting down or talking someone into leaving any church. just to be supportive and to say, ‘i understand.’ i refuse to be slanderous of any church organization because i know god loves it – which is why i’m careful not to talk specifically about that experience, because i do not want to be misconstrued or misrepresent anyone else. the church i left still exists and a lot of people love it and love the leadership there. a lot of people also left for the same reasons i left, so it wasn’t simply about ‘hurt feelings’. there was something fundamentally wrong there at the time, although i certainly did think ‘what’s wrong with me?’ and was under a lot of condemnation (not from the church – actually, no one from the church even followed up with me at all, even though i had worked there for several years).
i have run the gamut as far as the process of working through it – from just being hurt to blaming others and victimizing myself to accepting it to understanding what my part was – i really have been set free from it and this experience has little to do with why i’m not in church right now
{for the record, in the last few years, i came back to church; i’m just not there right now, which i talk about in a previous post.}
as for not defending or justifying, i mean…if not on my own page, then where? what you also don’t know is that yesterday i started a new post, which i then deleted, about this exact thing – before any of these comments happened. was just going to talk about my experience but then, again, didn’t want to appear slanderous or be disrespectful in any way.
but i think it’s time, which you confirmed, really. i can just tell my story without being disrespectful.
we’re good, sweet sister.
p.s. i hope you had a happy birthday!
xo