old maid.
04 Nov 2010 24 Comments
in life abundant., on singleness & dating
i’ve been writing this post in my head for the last week or so. i don’t really know, though, how to begin it or how it will resolve.
i think it all started with the culmination of my Year of Firsts. actually, maybe it started with the beginning of fall. i love fall. and i love falling in love in the fall, for some reason. or falling in like, whatever. so, first, fall. then the end of the Year of Firsts. and then this week my bff from college told me that This is It. This is The One. finally, this is The One. she knows it. he knows it. i know it. i love it. i love, love, love it for her. the best part? he chose her. like, he made a flat-out decision and, without going into any complicated detail, he chose her. and i am plum stupid-giddy with the romance bug on her behalf.
i dated someone this summer. actually, the above-friend fixed me up with him and it lasted a few months. great guy. my heart just wasn’t in it. one day it just…ended. i was fine, he was fine (i think). it was just…over. it was also long distance so, given the actual amount of time we spent together vs. the amount of months we were together…basically, and without any reflection at all on him, i consider myself to have been officially single for a year now is what i’m trying to say.
you’ve heard me talk about how i just want to be single and why can’t i just be single and isn’t it okay that i’m single and i’m fine being single.
which has been true.
i’m really fiiine…
only, it’s not true.
i mean, it is true…
but it’s not entirely true.
ugh. here’s what i mean.
what i’m trying to say is…i’m ready.
i’m ready to date again, i mean. and i thiiink i miiight…actually like to get married one day and possibly…? have a family. kind of. maybe .
i guess what i’m really trying to say is that i’m open to this again compared to how i’ve been sort of anti and all together worn out by the thought of it for the last year or so.
last saturday, my pastor spoke about how children are a blessing and probably the only other thing i remember him saying {on account of my ‘blessing’ not being still or quiet but, no matter, because she is such a ‘blessing’ and so i finally toward the end gave up on shushing her because children would only be considered a ‘blessing’ anymore in our house of worship and so, therefore, MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT, HANNAH GRACE!} but, anyway, the only thing i really remember him saying was spoken directly. to. me. he basically read my mail, saying that {i} think it would somehow inconvenience my lifestyle to have kids (ouch!) but it is pretty much most definitely not up to {me} to decide if {i} ‘want to have children’ or not. yowzas. especially when i consider the trouble some of my friends have had getting pregnant, or how many kids are in love-less or abusive homes that i have often wanted to rescue…and my passion for compassion and, also, how i’ve often said i just want to adopt all the kids and dogs on the earth who need a home…the thing of it is, it’s just. not. up. to. me.
when i was in college, i thought i would be married the day after i graduated and would have all five -FIVE- of my children by the time i was 30. (have i told you this story before? i feel like i have.) a.) if that had been the case i would surely be twice-divorced by now, but b.) since that wasn’t the case for me, i have kind of gotten, how should i say this…‘comfortable’?…in my single and unattached life. i haven’t been jealous of my friends with kids, even though i certainly do love their kids and am pretty good with them. for a while i thought, ‘well, if i’m supposed to travel in ministry, then i guess it’s okay if i don’t have any’ which turned into ‘i’ll be fine if i don’t have kids, it would probably be best not to’ which landed me in the ‘i don’t want any’ zone, for reasons i really don’t think i could tell you. just because.
actually, that’s not true. i can tell you.
see, i am really good with kids, if i do say so myself. babies, not so much. i make them cry. (thank god hg will have no memory of her kk being so awkward with her when she was a baby.) give me your 2-12 year old for a day and i’ll show them a good time. fully engaged, fun and funny, but also respectful (except for the part i can’t stop hugging or kissing hannah grace, which drives her to do the only thing she can do -swat me- which is my own fault but she’s just so dang cute i can’t help it) i’m good with kids. i’m hands-on, i’m a disciplinarian, i believe fostering creative expression and making them play outside vs. play video games inside. i worked for the ymca in college and was an assistant director after i graduated. i was a youth minister for a few years at that church. i have some experience with kids.
i’m good with kids.
my sisters have told me before i’m actually really good with kids.
in fact, i love kids.
but, like a relationship, i think i’ve been afraid. not afraid that i won’t know how to be a good mom or a good counterpart. (geez, that sounds sooo romaaaantic. ‘hi, i’m his counterpart. do you like the potato sack i’m wearing?’) and, actually, being single for so long has given me the advantage of seeing how to and how not to be a good helpmate (again with the romantic semantics. ‘what about my dorothy hamill hairdo? isn’t it fetching?’ somebody please stop me.) and, also, what i am and am not looking for in the person whose rib i bear.
and so it’s not that i’ve been afraid of not knowing how to do it. as a matter-of-fact, i think i’m a pretty good catch, if i do say so myself (but perhaps i’m biased…especially because of the part about how no one has actually caught me yet and i’m still an old maid and all, which certainly doesn’t prove me to to the contrary by any stretch…)
the thing is.
the.
thing.
is.
the thing is…i’ve been afraid that it wasn’t in god’s plan for me.
there. i said it.
has anyone else been afraid of that?
and so, while i really am fine being single and would rather be single the rest of my life than to be with the wrong person and i’m totally comfortable in my singleness…the hidden truth to all of that has also been that i was afraid i would have to be single for the rest of my life since i’m, like, an old maid and all. so i just resigned myself to the possibility that that would be my lot in life.
but, really…?
down deep…?
i don’t want to be single forever. i would like to share my life with someone. the right someone. but someone. not just anyone. but someone.
i don’t feel incomplete. i am whole. i am healed. i’m not desperate. i can take care of myself. i’m not in search of my other half (because i don’t want half of anyone and i wouldn’t expect -rather, i don’t want to be with- anyone who would want or accept just half of me).
and, really, i think this is my secret desire because it’s god’s true heart for me.
and kids? i would like to have them. i think. yes, i’m pretty certain i do. maybe not five, but some.
i mean, if it’s in the plan and all.
which i don’t know if it is.
i’m just saying i’m open again is all.
not desperate. just, you know…open.
i’m still fine with being single. i’m just open to…not…
being.
single.
i’m just saying i’m open is all.
wait, i already said that.
well, you get the point.
(right? you do get the point, don’t you? see, i’m fine with… haaa, just kidding.)
i think that’s as much as i can afford to confess to you today. {i think that’s as much as i can afford to confess to me today.} i just need to sit with all of this for a little while before i talk about it anymore. be kind with your comments as i’m feeling a little exposed and a tad vulnerable. and by ‘kind’, i mean pleeeaaase don’t patronize me or tell me nice things to caudle me (ie, ‘someone is going to be one lucky guy one day’ or ‘god’s just preparing you’ or ‘god’s just preparing him’ – i promise, i and i’m sure all of my single girlfriends have heard the entire. gamut. of stupid things to say to single people so, please. please. just. don’t.)
keep in mind that old maids have to have a certain amount of confidence for themselves.
i’m not insecure and i don’t feel bad about myself.
and i’m also still fine with the single.
and i can also still afford to be choosy.
just because i’m an old maid doesn’t mean i don’t have standards. men who don’t love jesus need not apply. boys who don’t have jobs or a license or still live at home also need not apply. which is NO JUDGMENT AT ALL on where you are. it’s just not where i am or where i would like to be. and it’s not that i don’t appreciate your passion or that you have ‘ambition’ -in fact, i’m all about it. but at this point i’m more interested in if you can put food on your table. well, and let’s face it, i’m also interested in if you can put food on my table. that is, i’m done with dutch treat-ing it. i mean, really? come on. i’m an OLD MAID, remember? and i’m hungry.
did i just say too much? i said too much, didn’t i?
and here i wonder why no one has ‘caught’ me yet…
i just don’t get it.
y’all have a good day.
love you. xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 01:22:44
I love your honesty. It is refreshing. Thank you for being so incredibly transparent. It is good for all of us to ‘share with you’ on your journey.
Thank you.
Nov 04, 2010 @ 06:40:55
thanks for being a part of my journey, sharon.
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 06:02:58
I have discovered that the “desires of the heart” towards relationship — journeying with a significant other– and I mean “significant”— don’t end with amassed years.
The desire to have a life partner is as strong, or stronger in me in the last season of my life as it was in the beginning. Yet, becoming the woman I want to be is the focus now rather than interviewing or forming “him”.
I guess my notion of “romance” means– “The He” — finds me– discovers me –and chooses ME! I’m not out there hunting.
And all those that you said need not apply, may as well not drift over here either.
I read a description that I adopted and adapted — not sure what the source of it was. So, here’s the woman I’m committed to being on my end—
“I mean a woman who is naturally beautiful, who takes care of herself physically, who is emotionally and financially stable…who doesn’t “need” you, but “wants” you, who can take care of herself in every way… You know what I’m saying here. But, guess what? Women like this are VERY rare.”
Add to that–what I consider to be the most important ingredient. A woman who is grounded in the knowledge of who she is in Jesus Christ — solidly committed and engaged in a close walk to whatever, wherever and whenever — with and yielded, trustingly to THE HE! —
And I hope, when it’s all said and done, that woman will be ME!
Single – or not. Young at heart, always– and now I have to throw in the reality of the OLD — and rest in it. I, like you, am ready! My task is to keep a ready heart – keep my lamp trimmed and wait contently.
Nov 04, 2010 @ 06:43:58
love that, donna!
yes, all that you said. i don’t have to have or need to have, and i have done and continue to do the work on myself. just simply stating that, if and when the time comes, i’d be open to it (whereas before, for the last year, i have *not* been open to it *at ALL*). just fine as i am, learning more and more who i am in christ…my well is full after many years, and i would be happy being a partner to someone. (as long as i could still maintain some level of independence which, from what i’ve observed, a lot of my friends who got married later -ie, in their thirties- have that type of relationship.)
loving you so much along the journey, beautiful you!
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 08:04:48
i PRAY that GOD gives you the desires of your heart. i pray you will seek first the kingdom of heaven and its righteousness with everything that follows.
“the thing is…i’ve been afraid that it wasn’t in god’s plan for me.
there. i said it.
has anyone else been afraid of that?” yes, I have been terrified that this. I still struggle with this occasionally being the perpetually single Christian guy.
and I appreciate that you have a list of standards for the gentleman you are looking for. these are important:
1. men who don’t love jesus need not apply. (absolutely necessary)
2. boys who don’t have jobs or a license or still live at home also need not apply. (appropriate that you call them boys)
3. i’m more interested in if you can put food on your table. well, and let’s face it, i’m also interested in if you can put food on my table. (I understand this as providing for you. and if any man is worth his salt, then he needs to do this. Striving to love and provide for his woman, like Jesus loves and provide for the church)
Don’t negotiate or rationalize on these. Wait for the right man. but do so as you wait on the Lord.
I’ll commit in prayerful agreement with you as you wait. I’m still waiting and it sucks. but God is faithful. Blessings on you, Mary Kathryn.
Have a terrific day.
doug
Nov 04, 2010 @ 09:47:25
yes, yes, doug. that is above all my highest desire and greatest prayer. i only want god to be glorified in my life, with or without a mate.
and i’ll pray for you as you wait, doug. i’m sure being a single christian guy has its own complications that are different from being a single christian woman.
i’m not waiting, nor do i feel held back because of my singleness. i’m only saying i’m open. as my friend adam just told me, i’ve taken down the ‘do not disturb’ sign but haven’t replaced it with a neon ‘walk right in’ sign.
{that last comment wasn’t necessarily targeted at you, doug. i appreciate everything you said. some of the feedback i’m getting privately from folks, though, make me wonder if i sound like i’m desperate and lonely. which i’m not. at all. a girl can’t win for losing, can she?}
and, yes – that is *exactly* what i was saying. how can someone provide for a family when he can’t pay his own bills? not that i wouldn’t plan to contribute, but ‘love and provide for like christ loves the church’ – yes, what you said.
thank you, doug. i appreciate having you as an ally.
xo
Nov 05, 2010 @ 16:04:26
i think I understand what you mean when you say “i’m not waiting, nor do i feel held back because of my singleness” and it is something I feel agreement with.
the challenges of being a single Christian woman sound very similar to what I experience and feel, except I don’t have friends who relate or care to listen. All my friends are either married or the single ones are not caring about the sexuality issue. I’m trying to live the ideal and wait until marriage for sexual intercourse. To this end, I have taken steps to limit my media intake so that I’m not bombarded by sexual images. I’m sure it’s hard for everyone but it seems that my close “Christian” friends have taken the easy route and aren’t in a position to support that.
It is especially hard for me to meet women, because I am more reserved than I care to be, but I am what God has made me. I’m trying to find venues where I can interact more with a diverse range of people, and chase away the shyness (which will help me). And the other thing is a lack of potential prospects in my church circles. Every young woman I know is either already married or much too young.
It’s terribly ironic for me to know more single Christian women through reading blogs/Twitter/online than I do in my city. But God is faithful and that’s more important to me than what is an obstacle.
Nov 04, 2010 @ 09:34:21
I have to say that I love the transparency of your post. It is hard to get that all out there. I know. But I have to say that you will make one heck of a wife someday!!! I say this because from my experience, marrying young, I didn’t have a clue about what a marriage was supposed to look like. I mean since there is no handbook or check off list, it can be so hard and completely eye opening. With all of that being said, you are matured in your faith, know grace and that grace thing alone will prove to be a key in marriage and family. I didn’t quite “get” grace so much until being married and having children. (but especially being married) I know the whole “God priming you for your mate” thing gets old but in some way holds water. Sometimes no all of the time, our struggles are molding and chipping us. AND you are NOT an old maid!!!!! I hope all of that makes sense.
Nov 04, 2010 @ 10:03:18
thank you so much, brooke. you are so sweet and what you said is such an encouragement.
in case you haven’t noticed, i *kind of* have a flair for the dramatic. i don’t *really* think i’m an old maid, it was just the only thing i could come up with that wasn’t mediocre.
thank you again for your kind words, brooke.
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 11:12:05
Oh my goodness… I had a bunch typed in and my computer blipped! Ugh… I guess God didn’t want what I said posted~ and it wasn’t bad, it was encouraging! LOL… Well, I’m not going to retype it all right now. I just want to say thank you for sharing your heart. God has that special someone in store for you. He’s preparing him… He’s on his way. Hugs
Nov 04, 2010 @ 11:37:18
thank you so much, peggy. i appreciate this message and the one that was in your heart to give originally.
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 11:48:51
Compared to the pyramids, you are but an infant.
I know, I understand, I am with you heart and soul. I get it. Fully. Completely.
Love you
Nov 04, 2010 @ 13:07:45
amy,
THANK. YOU.
{i know that you do.}
love you,
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 11:52:45
“i’ve been afraid that it wasn’t in god’s plan for me.”
Ding, ding, ding! This is exactly what I’ve been wrestling with the past few years. I certainly don’t plan on settling (marrying for the sake of marrying) but I have felt ready to be a wife and mother for quite some time now. I’m thankful that God didn’t allow some relationships to go anywhere because in college, I was pretty self-destructive and would have unknowingly made a bad choice. However, I worked through my issues and since grad school, I’d say I’m a pretty darn good catch. Although, some of my guy friends told me that makes me intimidating, which makes me laugh because I’m the opposite of intimidating! But maybe I’m intimidating to the wrong kind of guy, in which case, it’s fine by me. Back to your point though…the message that most older singles get is pretty negative as to why we’re still single. The truth is I don’t understand why I’m single- and no one in my life has been able to figure it out either. For some reason, God wants me to be single NOW. And I’m OK with that. Not every day OK with it but overall content and trying to bring glory to God wherever I’m at, whatever I’m doing. My fear definitely is that God wants me to be single forever. Because what do I do with my dreams of being a wife and mother? Contrary to popular belief, the Bible does not say that Christians get all the desires of their hearts and that we will all get married and have families and live happily ever after. As much as I’d like to find the lost scroll of 2 Mark which says those very words, it’s not going to happen. All I can do is continue living my life the best I can and taking my hurts and dreams and wishes to God and really TRUST that He has a better plan than my own. If that means I never get married, then I hope I will become more accepting of that and that my heart will be alligned with His. I try not to think of the Big Picture too much because I don’t have a clue what will happen next so why bother worrying? I’m completely with you, MK. Thirty years from now, if we’re both still Old Maids, let’s retire someplace fun together and start our own Old Maid colony:)
Nov 04, 2010 @ 13:16:10
girl.
the whole ‘intimidating’ thing. really? i mean, really…? it’s like you say, if *i’m* found by someone to be intimidating (for whatever reason), then that’s probably not the person i need to be with, anyway.
and i’m with you, sister, on the Big Picture – i resigned as a Big Picture girl several years ago when people started dying around me, my parents got divorced, etc. people ask where i see myself in five or ten years and i don’t even know where i’m supposed to be tomorrow.
and there is nothing more i would love to do than to join a sassy Old Maid colony in the tropics somewhere with you. i’m going to put this on my Bucket List for Life.
let me know when you find the lost scroll of 2 Mark.
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 12:51:35
Truly, if being a single person past your 30th birthday were easy then Paul(?) wouldn’t have made special mention of the blessing of being contentedly single. Contented single people have a special gift that married people don’t necessarily have: the ability to go and do God’s will at will. I have to negotitate with my spouse and schedule to accomplish God’s goals for me most of the time. That, of course, doesn’t take away from the desire to be with someone.
I hope this is encouraging.
Steph
Nov 04, 2010 @ 13:10:45
yes, for sure. i am definitely contentedly single and have been for some time. just saying i’m open for business is all, whereas before i wasn’t even open to it at all. does that make sense?
but, to your point – i do love that i don’t have to answer to anyone and can come and go as i please. this is one of the points i’ve made in a previous post (not sure which one).
thank you, soul sister. i appreciate your encouragement.
xo
Nov 04, 2010 @ 15:25:41
It seems to me that right when someone finds them open to love but not in ‘need’ of love because they are so fulfilled already, is right about when ‘the one’ pops up. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Who knows what could happen??!!
Nov 04, 2010 @ 15:35:02
haaaa…who knows!?
thanks, girl.
love you.
xo
Nov 05, 2010 @ 15:59:59
This was great! As a girl, who was ‘single’ into my 30′s I know all too well the absolutely ridiculous, hilarious things people sometimes say. I was trying to get a whole montage of them together to leave as my comments, but I decided against it and just wanted you to know how refreshing it is to read a blog that is written with such honesty and transparency. I love it.
And Mary, just TRUST and BELIEVE that he is out there, and when the tim…..hahahahahahahah, I can’t even do it as a joke, it makes me cringe just typing it…..
I love you and miss you!!!!!
Nov 05, 2010 @ 16:10:09
bahahahahahahahahahaha!
jess! i don’t think of you without thinking of that weekend i stayed with you when you were newly single and we just watched the real world marathon and ate hershey’s toffee almond nuggets THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
i couldn’t wait to read what you had written because i knew you would either have something wise or witty to say. i would ONLY have laughed out loud if *you* had said any of those things to me.
omg, girl. i love you. i miss you too! we need to figure out a plan to see each other. how are we ever gonna make a tyson-littlejohn union if hannah grace never meets your boys!?
love you, jess.
xo
Nov 05, 2010 @ 16:01:22
Okay, one more thing as I was reading the comments….the quote your friend Adam said about the “sign” being taken down…HI.LAR.IOUS! I laughed out loud reading that one.