bricks in the wall.

19 Nov 2010 19 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in life abundant. Tags: the wall

growing up, i always had to have a best friend. and i had to be their best friend. in fact, i pretty much had to be their only friend. i was a good friend to them, and they were to me. it felt good to be chosen, to know someone preferred me to all their other friends and i them. but i think i probably wore some of them out because i made it hard for them to spend time with anyone else. somehow, i managed to keep these bff’s around until, i imagine, they just couldn’t take it anymore and would start to distance themselves from me. i get this now, though i sure had fabulous pity parties for myself.

i was the only one who came.

growing up in an addictive home, there were a lot of unmet needs between all of us. i didn’t know at the time there was a deficit, but i can see now that i tried to meet those needs with other people and things. mostly, i tried to look to my bff’s to fill in me what i wasn’t getting from my family. i didn’t realize at the time i was so needy.

when i was in college, an older friend told me that her best friendship was one where there were no expectations (and therefore no disappointments.) i adopted this for myself and stopped expecting things from my friends. you don’t call me back {or at all}? it’s okay! i haven’t seen you in several weeks {despite my best efforts}? it’s okay!

now, listen – i just heard this week from my bff from high school who had her second baby six weeks ago while wrangling a toddler. i understand why she hasn’t called me back. another bff whom i also haven’t heard back from in a few months only told me this week of all that her family has been going through. it hasn’t upset me not to hear from her - in fact, it just made me sad that i had no idea what they were experiencing and i couldn’t be there for her. i’ve missed hearing from them, but i don’t take it personally because i am secure in those friendships. I UNDERSTAND why i haven’t heard from them.

but are these the only exceptions? at what point is it acceptable to say, ‘i know you are busy, but it really hurts my feelings that you don’t call me/spend time with me.’ at the risk not being needy or selfish, i abandon any of my own relational needs at all.

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as an adult, i have been in a couple of relationships with emotionally unavailable men, so i would do whatever it took to make up for their lack which, you can imagine, made us incredibly healthy and balanced. because they weren’t carrying their weight of the relationship, i would carry it for them. they would get used to this at first, but then i would become depleted and then needy, they would feel smothered -you know, all the best things about being in an awesome relationship- and we would break up.

over the last few weeks, as i’ve come out of the Year of Firsts and have thought i was ready to date again, i’ve had two friends who have said they are seeing me through new eyes and an ex who wants to marry me. flattering, no? i would think so.

so what does it mean that, in each case, i have felt anxiety to the point of breathlessness, and my inners are screaming, ‘NOOOOOO!’

i know my dad’s death has affected the way i feel about relationships. i’m afraid to risk loving someone so much that it hurts again. additionally, i am at the center of the generation who comes from divorced and/or dysfunctional families who, as a result, are terrified of marriage.

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somewhere between sabotaging friendships and being in and out of unhealthy relationships, i made a silent vow with myself that at some point went from ‘i will not be needy’ to ‘i don’t need you at all’.

i’m not talking about needs that can only be met in jesus. i know he is my source. that’s not what i’m talking about. i’m talking about the needs which jesus uses our relationships in order to fulfill. surely there is a balance in there between ‘needy’ v. ‘need’. aren’t we supposed to need each other? aren’t there matters within our hearts that we can’t fill ourselves? what i mean is, aren’t we created for relationship?

somehow i’ve become an island out at sea.

i don’t want to live this way. and yet here i am.

behind this wall.

that i built.

brick by brick.

without even realizing it.

it’s just so weird. i used to be such a romantic. and now i’m jaded and afraid. i don’t want to be jaded and afraid. i mean, do you? who wants to live that way!?

i feel so blindsided by all of this (in case you haven’t noticed). i know myself pretty well, and can fairly easily identify my triggers. i thought i had dealt with most of my issues.  i just didn’t see this coming, although i guess i could have…? i don’t know.

thankfully, my mentor reminded me at lunch yesterday that…hello…when in the last year would i have had the capacity to deal with this? for whatever reason, this is the time god sees fit to bring this up.

i’ll let you know what karen says.

y’all have a great weekend.

xo