man overboard.

17 Jan 2011 17 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in life abundant., on singleness & dating, taking care of self & one another Tags: therapy, woman at the well

{friday, january 14, 2011}

the other day, i asked a friend to leave me alone. (yes, i really did do that.) i just needed some space, to be alone, to sort some things out in my heart and head. i need to finish meeting with karen about my fortress and traumatic relationships and bladiblabla before i can be pursued any further in friendship by him or any other man. at the very least, i need to reach a safe existence before i stop calling myself a ’disaster’ where relationships are concerned. an earnest soul and an old friend, i don’t want my current insanity to cost him (or anyone else) anything.

and so i asked him to stop being my friend.

and do you know what he did?

he respectfully DECLINED!

he deCLINED.

can you beLIEVE that!? the nerve!

he said, among other things, he wouldn’t not let me be his friend but he would oblige in the meantime and allow me the space i need.

ugh! why won’t you just DO WHAT I SAY and leave me alooone!?

i said everything i could think to say save for the thing that i needed to say just to get him to abandon ship. what i should have said is, ‘i just need heart-space.’ what i actually said was, ‘just stop being nice to me, please stop trying to be my friend. i don’t like you. you’re not the boss of me. wah.’ it was easier to put up a wall and be mean than it was to accept and confess my own vulnerability.

my friend is like a tree.

a steady, sturdy…sigh…big. oak. tree.

i don’t know how it is i didn’t realize what i was doing right away because i do the same childlike-thing i do every time i get afraid, which is i run and hide. and that’s just what i did. i hid. rather, i’ve been in hiding. i just didn’t realize for how long or how deep into hiding i had gone until i was standing in front of the mirror of the holy spirit held by my dumb ol’, bull-headed friend.

because, the truth is, i’m scared. isn’t that why we usually revert back to either childish or otherwise unhealthy behaviors? because we’re afraid?

the thing is, i’m not even afraid of him or our friendship. in fact, he really has little to do with this at all. that is to say, it’s between me and the lord but this is the means the lord used to show me the truth about myself, which is that i just don’t think my heart can handle it again. it is tired, it is weary. it is, dare i say it…fragile. ugh, i don’t want to be fragile. soft? yes. tender? please. but fragile? please, god. anything but that. i don’t want to have a weak heart. but it is right now where relationships are concerned and so i sabotage to keep from being hurt again instead of dealing with the pain that’s carried over from past relationships. lord, please don’t let me be afraid forever.  

it has been easier to be alone -to hide, even from my girlfriends who i know love me- than to…not hide. than to face the deep well that is my hurting heart these days. i don’t want to hurt.

but i do want to be healed.

and if it is for freedom that christ sets us free, then this is the area in my life in which i seek freedom now.

but, oh…the pain. it’s like my heart is wrapped up in a thornbush right now, becoming more torn the more free it tries to become.

if the actual preparation was the series of not-great relationships i’ve been through in the last, say, 10-ish years or so, then i’m about to undergo some pretty major heart surgery, the Divine Physician & Healer at the helm. i don’t know what the recovery period looks like. honestly, i don’t even think i have realized until now, despite the fortress epiphany, just how much damage has been done to my heart since this all began.

and this is the part when i hope my friends who are married kiss the one who kept their hearts from ever having to go through this business of hearts that are compromised at 33. and, yes, i know marriage comes with its own bundle of struggles and, yes, i am thankful to have been offered the opportunity to deal with all of this before it’s the elephant in the house that marriage built. regardless, just say ‘thank you’ to jesus because i’m not sure which is worse and i’m not even trying to compare, anyway.

last night, i had a sweet time of worshiping and reading and just listening to the wounded whisper of my crying heart where a loving christ abides, and i felt it sigh.

because i know, only in the shadow of His wings, will i find my rest. i know, if i’m going to hide at all, it must be in my Hiding Place where my healing can take place.

karen had to reschedule from last week to tomorrow. i’ll let you know what she says.

{Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until the danger passes by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me. He will send help from heaven to rescue me, disgracing those who hound me. My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness. -psalm 57:1-3, nlt}