get out of the way.

08 Feb 2011 38 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in hard truth: about calling, life abundant., one word 2011: truth

if you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know that i attended the she speaks conference last summer, which is a conference hosted by proverbs 31 ministries (ha-i just wrote 32 which, in my case, is probably more accurate…)- where there were SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHT other women who feel called to do the same thing i feel called to do, which is to teach and speak and write in jesus’ name.

do you hear me?

SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHT.

all with similar callings and desires.

one might imagine this could have been a breeding ground for the green-eyed monster for anyone who hadn’t checked their ego or motive at the door.

if there was any impure thing or true insecurity in me, it would have been very easy to have walked away from there feeling threatened, lost or jealous. (fortunately, that is not the atmosphere that is at all fostered there; it truly is supportive of everyone who attends.) as a true novice, it would have been very easy to have come away doubting my calling, giving up on what, i believe, is my purpose for living.

i don’t take for granted how i grew up, but i sometimes forget how unique of an upbringing i was afforded that i could travel some with my granddad and be immersed in retreat ministry. for our guests, it was a weekend away. for me, it was our every day life. so i wasn’t surprised much by the conference and i had a feeling about what i was getting myself into. my prayer before i left home was that i could get out of my own way and i would seek not to be blessed but to be a blessing and that i wouldn’t be in pursuit of fame or selfish gain.

really and truly -and i promise i’m not trying to toot my own horn here or puff myself up in any way, i really have always been this way- my heart is to encourage and support others in whatever it is they want to do -even if it means i don’t get to do it, or that i don’t get to do it right now. if i have ever felt any twinge of jealousy, i hurl it to the cross because i don’t want to be the friend that gets in her own way of celebrating someone else. i’ve never been competitive (because i was pretty confident i wasn’t the best or fastest at much), i always just played for the fun of the game. because the bigger picture is that…well, there’s a bigger picture. while on one hand it might seem like i’m missing out on something, i know it’s for a reason, even if it’s one i can’t see right now.

so i can say in earnest that i didn’t come away from the conference feeling threatened and i wasn’t sent into a tailspin about my calling or wondering what i’m supposed to do with my life since there are obviously so many other taller, more beautiful women with pretty smiles and kind hearts that god can use better than me. but i would understand if this was anyone else’s experience.

does that mean i don’t experience jealousy? um, no. i’m a woman. hello, i think it’s part of our dna. but i recognize it quickly enough not to let it stand in my way of experiencing true happiness for someone who deserves recognition.

meet me here, friends: i don’t mean to suggest that neither you nor i are worthy of a great big life in christ. all i mean is, there’s enough room at the table for both the taller, more beautiful women with pretty smiles and kind hearts AND the shorter, curvier, cute girls with a lot of spunk who sometimes cuss.

ahem.

and, while being at she speaks did solidify and make clearer to me the direction of my life, i also realized how much more work i have to do. that is, while i’ve postured myself to be used by god by dealing with the hard stuff of my life and getting out of my own way so that he can receive honor, i have little experience by way of actually speaking. i’ve never been published. i should probably join toastmasters or something of the like because i didn’t realize how many fillers i use until my speaker evaluation group told me so. i talk too fast sometimes. plus, i was really challenged when i came home to make sure i’m not living in such a way that there would be any cobwebs in my closet. to make sure all areas of my life are kept clean, which has more to do with wanting to live with godly integrity than it does serving him.

just like i have said i would rather be single the rest of my life than to marry the wrong person, i would rather spend the next twenty years devoted to knowing the heart of christ if it means i can minister publicly for two. that is to say, i don’t want to minister -i can’t minister- to anyone at all if i don’t know him deeply, personally, intimately. we have to get out of our own way, and i don’t know another way to say that. and so i am committed to the preparation taking as long as it needs to take and, in the meantime, ministering to the hearts of those within my reach now because that is just as important to the heart of god.

i heard someone say once ‘i want to be like beth moore.’

as in, ‘i want to have a ministry like beth moore.’

uh…really?

because i know SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHT other women who would also appreciate having a ministry like hers. {and, by the way? that’s 608 women just  from ONE conference.}

do you have any idea what you’re saying?

do you even know what kind of life of discipline she has in the holy spirit that she can afford to be on the front lines of today’s christianity?

my question(s) for this person, no holds barred, is: okay, so, what are you doing now to prepare your heart for this? oh, and you have these insecurities? huh. because i think beth probably addressed those areas of her journey before she achieved any level of recognition. could you imagine an insecure beth? me neither. because we haven’t seen that side of her. because jesus gently, lovingly went in and they did that type of work together before he promoted her. {because that’s what god does, you know. he promotes us, and he can promote whomever he wants with or without our jealousy or permission but it would be an easier pill to swallow if we didn’t view it as a pill at all.}

do you remember an angry joyce meyer? no? oh. ME NEITHER. and yet she talks about a time in her life when she was full of bitterness -not a day, but a season, which could have been years. but god will not be mocked. he did not allow her to represent himself in the way she does now if it would bring shame to his name. or her own, for that matter - he loves her that much to protect her dignity, and her heart was bent to him enough to respect his.

same goes for you and me. he’s not going to let either of us get away with trying to perform heart surgery, or reign in the supreme court or effectively preach the gospel to nations without putting in the work that goes into it. he’s not going to let us get away with it because there’s no depth in that. there’s no reward in taking shortcuts. and he wants more than that for us. freedom and life. careless, reckless people with selfish intent take the easy way out and that is not the person i want to be, nor is it the person i want to follow anywhere.

i don’t know beth or joyce, so i can’t pretend to know what seasons of their lives they went through in order to become who they are now other than what i’ve heard them say. {and, by the way? i’m pretty sure they are still just ‘mom’ to the people who grew up in their homes.} but i think i can say with some confidence that they finally reached a place where they knew they had to get out of their own way, let god break and then repair those broken places, before he could really use them. the way a surgeon has to sometimes break a bone in order to reset it before it can be healed in the best way. i’m fairly certain the capacity in which they serve god now came at a high cost for themselves and their families. there were probably a few broken and reset bones along the way.

i really doubt either beth or joyce woke up one day and said, ‘i’m going to write books & bible studies and become a famous christian today’ and that was that.

and this probably can go without saying, but…i also have to question the motive of someone whose goal is to be like someone else -anyone else.

if god wanted you to be anyone else, with someone else’s calling or platform, don’t you think he would have made those type of arrangements? do you really think he made a mistake when doling out life callings? he skipped over you? don’t you know that if god wanted me to be a big, black gospel singer like i have always wanted to be, he could have done that?

plus, do you know how much attack either of these women probably suffer? are you praying for those whom you say you want to become? do you have any idea their struggles off their platform? {might i suggest you pray especially for their children and grandchildren? because that’s where a minister’s attack hits the hardest, having watched it in my own and other families in ministry.}

you and i have different stories to tell. we have each blazed our own trail, sojourned our own journey. i can’t speak about physical or child abuse or infertility or an addiction to cocaine (or to anything other than alcohol, for that matter). i can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be homeless. but you might be able to talk about all of these things. and you should. you must.

listen. i know some of what i’m saying is far-fetched. but…is it? i mean, if we were to really get honest -to dig into those deep places- aren’t things like this true of all of us? that we secretly desire to become the next katie couric or derek jeter or donald miller? to be known -to be famous- for something? anything?

don’t you know that the women you lead in your small group or the kids you foster or the elderly you visit every sunday afternoon already think that you are? can that be enough for you?

don’t you know that the one who shows up in silence to meet you at your kitchen table every morning doesn’t love you any less than he does the ones he has put on an international stage?

how can we ever be offered the more that is promised if we are not faithful with the little that is in front of us?

a life hidden in christ isn’t one in pursuit of recognition or fame. it is not one who seeks divine glory or personal gain. it can’t be. that’s just not what this is about. god promotes. let’s just allow him to do his job & agree to be faithful (and not falsely humble) if we receive that honor and celebrate if it’s someone else’s to have.

friend, don’t you know that you have been divinely gifted for the purposes and people who are surrounding you right now? there are people within your reach who are not within mine. you have your own story to tell -and you are responsible for telling it. it is not your job to tell mine or anyone else’s story.

to that end, you have your own unique-sounding voice. i write the way that i speak. you don’t speak the way that i/he/she writes. in fact, please don’t try. it’s fake and it doesn’t honor you or god or the person you are imitating. and who wants to be around a phony? besides that, you’re missing out on the richness that is your own voice which needs to be heard by someone. you don’t -can’t- sound like her. or him. or her. your job is to sound like -to be wholly- you. not me. not him.

you.

is this enough for you?

{dig deep.}

{now dig deeper.}

{i’m serious about this, and i think the lord is, too.}

can it be enough for you to get set free just so you can love god and others better?

because isn’t that all he tells us to do?

love god. love others.

jesus does not count you as one of six hundred and eight. he doesn’t even consider you one in sixty-eight. this is all about one. just one. he sees you. and he loves you. and he knows the plans he has for you. and since he already knows them, can you give up your vain desires and get over yourself so that you can just be used?

ouch. did that hurt? it hurt me. i think i’m bleeding. for real.

{by the way, i don’t think the ‘just one’ is who you might think it is. as in, i think it’s him, not us.}

i’m in this with you, friends. yes, this is the message in my heart but my hope is that it’s doing something in you, too.

let’s do this together.

let’s get over our petty jealousy, our dumb competition, our vain self-pity. let god heal us of bitterness and let’s just do the work that needs to be done already so that we can live for and on behalf of christ.

because there’s just not room in the kingdom for that type of mess.

would you even believe that there’s still more to come tomorrow? and probably the next day. and maybe the day after that.

are you even here anymore? gosh, i hope so.

{don’t really expect to make new friends this week, but i sure do appreciate all the encouragement i received yesterday. thanks, y’all.}

love you. xo