stupid & mean.

24 Feb 2011 24 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in one word 2011: truth, taking care of self & one another

i read a friend’s status update yesterday on facebook. a woman she had just met, with whom she has a mutual friend in common, said to her, ‘you’re not as fake as i had heard you were.’ my friend graciously said, ‘nice to meet you’ and went on with her children.

um…what?

who has the nerve to say that OUT LOUD?

i personally have a defect with the filter betwixt my brain and my mouth.

and my memory is selective anymore.

however.

i don’t think i’ve ever said anything that stupid and mean to someone’s face, much less in front of their children.

okay, probably i have. if i’m really being honest. i really just don’t remember anymore.

{but if i have ever been that stupid to or in front of you, please know how profoundly sorry i am.}

my response to her:

i am so sorry. how hurtful.

wonder what jesus has to say about that.

because here is what i’ve learned. and this has absolutely nothing to do with my friend who is nothing but genuine, if not transparent. her example, however, made me think on this.

it is very easy for me to hear the loving things people say about me. i even know how to manipulate kindness from strangers. {i bet if you’re really being honest, you probably do, too.} it is easy to gather love and goodness that folks pour out and onto us, isn’t it?

but what about when you hear the negative things folks say about you? or even the ‘constructive’ but difficult-to-hear things? what then?

my natural instinct is to become defensive or to justify.

my learned behavior is to listen. to say ‘thank you’. and then maybe listen some more.

even to the tough things.

because maybe? just maybe there is some truth to what is being said.

perhaps not.

but perhaps so.

granted, there are some mean people in this world. there are people who spew venom onto others because they think the world is out to get them. {‘how sad for them,’ i think.} these are not the folks i’m talking about.

i’m talking about otherwise well-meaning people who haphazardly say ‘stupid’ things like, ‘you’re not as fake as i had heard.’ um…OUCH.

yes, christ defines us. yes, our identity is found and hidden only in the one who created us.

but.

if it had been me. {and thank you, lord, it wasn’t because i would have been in a PUDDLE.}

and i had to take this to the cross…

and ask him for the truth on this matter…

i would expect for him to smother me in love because that’s what jesus does.

but, if there were any truth at all to the hard words i had just heard about myself, i would sheepishly but forcibly take my wounded pride to him and ask him to clarify that for me as well.

because that’s also what he does.

and i have been through too much with jesus to be arrogant enough to think i can’t afford to hear him say things that are hard but necessary for me to hear.

{and you have, too.}

i want to be willing to hear the hard {not mean} things. i want to have people in my life who i know love me enough to say those hard things. the ones who hold up the mirror to myself and instead of walking away and leaving the mirror in my own hands to stare at myself alone, they wrap their arm around me & look with me in that mirror & say, ‘and let me tell you what else i see…’

because, let’s face it: it’s easy to surround ourselves with people who adore us. but how many folks do we invite and welcome into our lives who say the hard things because they love us?

but, a word of caution, if i may: even folks who love us say things from dark places sometimes. they casually throw out words that hurt and are not true. or they want to make you responsible for their own pain they hold onto like sand with a tight fist. sometimes we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time with people in whose love we are secure.

which is why, as it is with everything, we have to take it to the cross.

the loving words, the kind words, the harsh words and the hard words.

because that’s the only place we are met with kindness where truth humbles us and call us his own.

you are his. you belong to him. and you were bought with a price.

and you were worth every drop of his blood shed.

{and so are those of us who say stupid and mean things sometimes.}

have you ever heard something said about yourself that jesus had to shine truth upon?

have you ever said something you wished you could take back?

do you have friends in your life you trust enough to say the hard things?