the {ugly} truth.

28 Feb 2011 43 Comments

by mary kathryn tyson in one word 2011: truth

my stomach is in knots.

the anxiety this post has produced could only mean i am either responding to the holy spirit or i am just. plain. stupid.

i am no one’s hero and please do not call me brave.

i am just like you at the end of the day.

het and i started an encouragement campaign of sorts. we laughed at the game of out-encouraging one another. dominic agreed it was a good idea.

but then the game went too far.

and het called me the queen of encouragement.

and i laughed.

and then the nag began.

and i thought, ‘surely, i am a fraud.’

because, of all things over which i could reign queen (ie, queen of quirkiness, queen of ice cream, queen of the most random and absurd), i am least of all the queen of encouragement.

and i need to expose myself.

because

if you were to ask

my mom or my sisters

or my brother-in-law or my stepdad

{or could have asked my dad}

and those who are as close as family to me

or folks i work with every day

i don’t think they would agree.

because, the truth is:

sometimes i am cranky and mean and moody and not easy to get along with.

i don’t think anyone who is close to me would say i’m one of the sweetest persons they know.

:: my eyes burn now ::

i am prideful.

i am stubborn as hell.

i do not like to be corrected. (not really.)

i am incredibly protective, some might say selfish, with my time and space.

i have to have alone-time in order to gear up for people-time.

it’s not that i discourage, but i don’t encourage in real life as much i probably do in my virtual one.

i say things i don’t mean at times i shouldn’t say them and often wish i could suck back in my words as soon as i hear them escape from my mouth because i just wasn’t thinking -or maybe i was- and i hold you to expectations i don’t keep for myself, and certainly don’t meet.

i get jealous and act accordingly.

i fear rejection and will push people away or hold on to them too tightly so i won’t be hurt.

and i talk about living fearlessly but i mock myself because i have so little to show for it in my own life.

not much at all.

at all.

:: please, dear god, don’t let these truths of mine be told or known or even let them be true at all ::

i am learning to press through and just love even when and especially because i don’t like or excuse myself when i just can’t but it is pretty obvious when i don’t like someone and i hate that about myself, that i think i can get away with showing anyone in whatever small way that i do not like them.

i have shown my ass to the pharmacist and i cuss at bad drivers and i hate waiting in line or waiting for anything at all and i act self-righteous and i am impatient and i pretend i don’t see you so i don’t have to hold open the door.

i am every bit the opposite of who i say that i am or would like to be but i am still all of those things, too.

i act so important, more important than you, and forget to say, ‘excuse me’ or ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘you were here first’.

i have made you look bad to make me look good because i have a self-inflated ego.

an ego-maniac with a self-esteem problem.

:: and now my throat catches ::

i am working on being true to my word when i say i will do because i do not always do what i say i will do.

because i am lazy.

and irresponsible.

and careless.

sometimes.

i am easily annoyed and intolerant and i think ugly thoughts even if i don’t say them out loud but i may as well because whatever i’m thinking is shown on my face.

i don’t have all the answers. or any answers, for that matter. and, really, i make up answers because the more i know, the more i realize just how much i don’t know. but i have been known to be a know-it-all. {and who really likes a know-it-all?}

i can manipulate and know buttons to push and i have and i do.

i do not like to apologize for or own my bad behavior. do i? yes, usually. definitely not always.

and i shift blame and make excuses and i project my own stuff onto you.

my anger gets the better of me sometimes. not always, but it has and it does even still.

within me is the tyson temper that goes from 0-60 in 2 seconds if provoked; usually by injustice of some kind, but not always. not usually.

sometimes i just act like a bitch.

and i wish that i didn’t.

:: still nauseous ::

lash out and eggshells and explode are terms i have heard said of me.

always? no. sometimes? yes.

am i proud of these things that are very true of me? absolutely not. and so i work toward change. i learn new behaviors for my old ones.

for some of these, it has taken and continues to take a while.

but i have to -i want to, i need to- defraud any assumption that i am anything more or anything less than who you might conclude that i am based on the persona i set up for myself here.

because this is the rest of me.

the parts you don’t see.

{and when laid bare, truth is exposed.}