mirror, mirror.
19 Jan 2012 23 Comments
in being a woman in christ, life abundant., on singleness & dating
thursday, january 12, 2012
i am very much a daily person. i can’t tell you what i ate for breakfast yesterday or what i’m wearing tomorrow, but i can pretty much tell you where i’ll be from one moment to the next today. i have a hard time committing to plans next week, but call me today (or text because i’m not really a phone person) and i’m yours.
unless i’m not.
(okay, so you might have to give me 24 hours but then…i’m all yours.)
as someone who has adapted to a one day at a time-sort of life, i rarely (read: next-to-never) look toward the future. i believe very much in grace for today and our mercies being new every morning. i know we are only guaranteed today – this day.
the thing is, i don’t really plan for the future at all. as in…it’s probably a problem.
was. was probably a problem.
i was cleaning my bathroom tonight when i caught a glimpse of myself and it suddenly occurred to me that i will be 35 this year.
i am not even halfway there, and yet i am anticipating my next birthday.
not only that, but i became acutely aware that i am that much closer to forty. when i turn 35 in 9 months, i will be five years from forty.
but what surprised me most, and most emphatically, is that for the first time in a very real way, i realized i am an adult at the exact same time i actually felt like an adult. you know, a grown-up.
as in, my body and my brain and my heart and my mind and my soul aligned and i suddenly didn’t feel 13 or 26 or like i’m a kid trapped in an adult-size body. i finally feel like a life-size adult.
i am not freaked out by this. in fact, i couldn’t be more excited.
i have been crippled in life by fear and the feeling that i am the broken child of my family, most certainly the black sheep, and that i’ll always be dependent on someone in some way.
but today…tonight…that…changed.
in an instant. while i was cleaning my bathroom.
and it warrants change.
suddenly everything came together and i realized for the first time in a long, long time:
no one owes me anything, and i don’t owe anyone anything, either.
i don’t have to ask permission from my family and, while it would be nice, i don’t even have to have their blessing.
i am fully capable of making responsible decisions about my own life.
i have everything i need. anything i want is up to me to get or achieve.
i answer wholly and solely and only to god.
most folks on my dad’s side of the family do not live past 80, though i am banking on being the one who will bury everyone else. plus, my mom’s family lives long.
but if, by chance, i am five years from my life being half-over…and the revelation that my life is entirely and only up to me and god…then what the bleep am i doing with myself?
how do i really want to spend the last half of my life? i live now as if i’m an old, married person when i’ve actually been given a unique gift of singleness to live out however much longer god sees fit. (maybe forever, who even knows anymore.)
i’m still sitting with all of this but i’ll tell you, change is a’coming, folks. and it’s good, so good. and it’s god, too.
and i will not be afraid anymore.
i’ll keep you posted.
meanwhile, i’ve started a leap list and i’m calling it 40 x 40. (i’ll post it when i wake up this morning, after this post has posted.) it’s nowhere near full, so i welcome any ideas you have of adventures to live, books i should read, people to meet, things to do, places to see, movies to watch or life moments to savor before i turn 40.
but, think quick.
i only have five years and nine months to get it all together.
have you had any a-ha moments lately?
Jan 19, 2012 @ 01:11:48
Ooooo!!! You are in a good place. A very good place! I love this. I love you words. I believe your words. Excited for your future!!
Jan 19, 2012 @ 06:28:34
tam! thanks!
you are someone i really admire. it means a whole lot to me that you would even stop by, and your words encourage me more than you know.
thank you!
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 01:12:49
Hi Friend…first off, isn’t it strange how the mundane brings the profound? I seem to have my deepest thoughts and clears convos with God while doing the dishes, or cleaning the bathroom, or scrubbing a dirty floor.
Secondly, I’m very much a daily person. And, I’ve recognized that I live in survivor mode. It’s not healthy. It lacks reflection. It lacks intention. I hope to change that this year and I’m getting there.
p.s. I unfollowed/unsubscribed a bunch of peeps tonight. You, of course, made the cut. I don’t always stop by or have the time to comment, but you are in my bloggy consciousness. <3
Jan 19, 2012 @ 06:32:42
hey friend!
i know what you mean! i ran over to pp the other day for the first time in a while – i don’t know how to keep up better. i moved everyone to my rss-feed a while back, but i haven’t gotten in the habit of checking it regularly so all these amazing words and thoughts and inspirations and encouragements just sit there. boo. anyway, you’re on my radar, too, and i think the world of you.
and, yes! it is funny/amazing how we hear the most important things when we’re doing something like cleaning the bathroom or changing the diaper. i get a lot of revelation in the shower, which i think is because, well, that’s when i’m most vulnerable but it’s also how i came into the world so jesus is there.
so glad to hear from you and thanks for not cutting me!
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 01:31:11
Oh my word, yes! My a-ha moment came a few days ago. I am going through my 2nd round of physical therapy treatment in the past 6 months. It’s not really a big deal, but sometimes I come home from therapy almost in tears, just from pure frustration. I complain about my muscles being sore all the time and having to wake up early everyday, but really what I’m going through is NOTHING, compared to what others have to deal with.
A dew days ago I was having one of these little pity parties, and then I logged onto Facebook and read about a young girl at our church who has a rare disease that leaves her in constant pain and tears, when she used to be able to run and play with her friends.
That really gave me a wake up call. That there is always someone out there worse off than you. It could be way worse for me.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 06:34:59
that’s a really important aha-moment for ALL of us to have, tay-tay.
keep pressing in and pressing on, sweet friend! no shortcuts! the hard way is always the best and most rewarding way.
love you.
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 07:38:26
i absolutely love this. and now i’m thinking i have to quit saying “i love this” when i make comments here. but it’s the truth, and since i’m over forty, and had your same epiphany two years ago when i turned forty, well, i can say whatever i want to say, right??? but i really love this, because it is so freeing, and i only wish it had come sooner in my life. but maybe it’s one of those things that can only come with age. i don’t really know. . . but, welcome to the club of liberated, free-to-be-the-adult-i-really-am club!!! you rock!
love,
steph
Jan 19, 2012 @ 22:36:16
dear Queen of Encouragement,
THAAAANNNKKK YYOOOOUUU!!!
p.s. you can say whatever you want to say over here, as many times as you want to say it.
love,
me
Jan 19, 2012 @ 09:10:49
sometimes… i think we are thinking the same things. always around the time of the new year, i start beating myself up for things i don’t do. i’m a very daily person too. actually… i’m a very emotional person. and what i feel like doing, i do. and what i don’t feel like doing never gets done. so when the new year rolls around i start giving myself this lecture: “you need to be more disciplined. you need to make a schedule and stick to it. you need to wake up and get on the treadmill before class. you need to plan out your meals (so when i see a recipe on the internet that i HAVE TO EAT that night, i don’t run out and spend $30 on one kroger trip). you need to finish your projects. you need to finish the books you start.” etc. etc. do you think any of this ever happens? no, that’s why i have been giving myself the same talk for the last…6 or so years. spontaneity (impulsivity) can be a good thing at times, but i was given far too much and i really am trying to hone it down.
but, here are some of the ideas for adventures that i have sincerely wanted to do in the past few years and not followed through with less than a quarter of them:
- go to a cooking school (more specifically, the natural gourmet cookery school in nyc. in high school i was vegetarian and wanted to learn how to cook food for myself. it’s the same school that bethanny frankel went to. it turned out to be far too expensive and i am not even vegetarian anymore)
- work on an organic farm as an apprentice (and i even drove to nc to interview with a family once. they lived 50 minutes away from ashville on a windy country road and no neighbors in site. also they were buddhist and that made me feel very weird. so i politely declined)
- be a real estate agent (idk??)
- be a flight attendant (get paid to fly around the world and meet lots of people. why not?!)
- teach english in another country (i think this would still be cool)
- go to yellowstone national park and work for a summer
- become a white water rafting guide (i even went on a week long interview trip in arizona with a company out of colorado. it was amazing, but, um, the only “bath” i took the whole week was in a spring that jutted into the river. the water was so clear. the hippies didn’t like that i was using herbal essences in the river instead of the biodegradable REI crap. the next morning we hiked up the mountain we slept beside, and in the distance you could see a ranch about a mile away. all of their cows were standing in the stream that i had just TAKEN A BATH IN the night before [and yes it was flowing in the direction of our camp]. that was it for me)
- become a nanny. (i actually did this. in HAWAII. and yes it was awesome. so maybe you should look for nanny jobs in hawaii
- become a midwife (i still kind of want to do this & i am in nursing school, so maybe it will happen one day)
- be a house sitter & just travel around the country getting paid to live in people’s houses for free while getting to see new places.
- do “the amazing race” – travel to 11 countries in 11 months. have you heard of it? i would still like to do it but currently feel like i lack the life experience to be beneficial to anyone else. so maybe when i finish nursing school
in the meantime, if none of those adventures spike your interest, i am sure this book will – “If It Were Easy, They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living with and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married” I started it yesterday & it has me in tears. really thanking GOD ABOVE for my own GIFT of singleness.
love you
you can always come visit me in West Virginia if you just need a weekend adventure!
Jan 19, 2012 @ 10:20:17
Boo to those tapes that tell you you’re not enough or that you need to do or be more, better, or different! We are enough, just as we are!
I love your list! SO many terrific things on there. I’ve always thought it would be fun to be a stewardess, too!
I laugh whenever I hear from you because we are so much alike (not to mention, you are so stinking funny).
I love you, girl.
xo
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Jan 19, 2012 @ 09:13:42
actually…the amazing race is the tv show. the WORLD race is the christian organization. haha
very similar
Jan 19, 2012 @ 09:53:38
This is SO exciting! I love all of this, from feeling grown up and adult to wanting to make the most of this season of your life. Change is coming for you, I feel it as well. And I can’t help but wonder whether your epiphany is in any way connected to your OneWord?
If you need any ideas for your 40×40, feel free to poach a few from my Life List. There’s eleventy-billion options: http://www.leighkramer.com/blog/life-list.html Be sure to put some sort of adventure with me on there! And the #badboyworldtour, too.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 22:33:38
#badboyworldtour will definitely be on there! and, yes! let’s come up with an adventure to have together.
and, yes. my one word will *definitely* stoke this fire.
xoxoxo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 10:11:21
I’ve had a few aha moments since the new year…and the pages of my journal are filling up with thoughts and dialogues with God. Love you, love your heart.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 22:30:49
oo, love it, melissa. can’t wait to hear more of what god’s been showing you.
love you.
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 13:13:56
Can’t WAIT to see what you do next! And I sure am hoping our paths cross somewhere on the 40×40 list. I think God is up to something, my new friend.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 22:30:06
they will cross again! they must!
p.s. when are we reading our book together? (i have yet to even crack it open.)
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 20:54:18
Oh I love it! Over the last two months I’ve been slowly compiling things into a “Live your life: Do it!” list. It’s kinda evolving in that I keep adding new things to it as I scratch things off, but it feels like if I put something down, then I’m actually going to do it! They’re not all big things either which means that so many are achievable and more frequently, but some are a little more exciting (read: daunting)
Jan 19, 2012 @ 22:28:51
a.) i fixed your name. (that would bother me, too.)
b.) i love the name of your list! and that is *exactly* what i thought i’d do, too! i have a feeling my list will exceed 40 things, so i’m just going to keep a running list and plan to cross off at least 40 of those things by the time i’m 40. (that’s the goal, anyway.)
so glad to hear from you! thanks for stopping by!
xo
Jan 19, 2012 @ 23:45:20
I love this! There have been some moments here and there where I have to sit back and think, “hey- you’re actually doing this adult-thing and you’re not failing at it. Keep going.” Its been an intense time of rooting out old structures and replacing them with truth, but I think (hope) that in the end, it will be worth it.