hey my friends,
i’ve missed you.
it’s been too long. tell me how you’ve been, i want to know.
i wish we could sit down together and exchange stories about these last few months. i’d love to hear about what god’s been teaching you and tell you what i’ve been learning, too. there’s so much for us to talk about, i know.
i’ve wanted to come by and talk to you a few times, but then i just didn’t.
the truth is, i just haven’t been free to write over here, to tell you my stories.
sometimes life just happens in a way that can’t be explained in words on paper.
or on blogs.
sometimes life-stuff requires a full pot and a comfy couch and a box of kleenex between friends. so we can look in each others’ faces and speak the language only hearts speak that can’t be translated through a keyboard on a screen.
that’s the kind of life i’ve had in the last few months while you haven’t heard from me.
stuff of real life. stuff that can only happen in real life.
and so it makes my heart sad to tell you that i don’t know when you’ll hear from me again after today. my life is changing. it’s turning in such a different direction than one i’ve projected here. i’m changing. i’ve changed. god is changing me on a deep soul-level and i just have to go with it now.
i’m being set free in ways i’ve been in bondage for so long that i haven’t even recognized as bondage.
i’m dying a little bit more each day, in all the right ways.
using my roar has taken on an entirely different meaning than what i thought it meant at the beginning of the year. i know now, though, that god set it up that way and i’m sure there’s more to that than i even know right now.
i joined my church and have even started singing there again which, you all know, are both huge milestones for me.
also, i got engaged. for years i’ve said i was just “waiting for my cowboy” and phillip just showed up one day. in a wheelchair. i’ve learned ours is one of those stories that can only be shared in person. i wasn’t holding out on you, by the way. one night i was the girl in the green dress and ten days later i became a fiance. i didn’t even have time to tell anyone i was dating someone! he’s awesome. i love god and want more of him because of phillip. i can’t believe god loves me so much that he would partner me with such a precious man and amazing jesus-warrior. who is also very much a rugged and sexy and confident cowboy. ye-ow-zas.
some things can only be learned relationally. and some things can only be un-learned relationally. through friendship, definitely. and then some parts of life and heart and mind are meant to only be learned through that one relationship you’re only going to have with that one person for the rest of your life. i obviously didn’t know that until now because
i hadn’t experienced it until now.
so, i don’t know entirely what god is doing, but i know that it’s all good. hard, but good. necessary, but good.
i need to hide myself in jesus now. it’s one of those seasons when i’m doing a lot less talking and a whole lot more listening and journaling. one day i’ll be free to share these stories with you, too. in the meantime, i can no longer rest on the laurels of my past to get me through these next days. what i once took for happiness and contentment, and what i’ve previously understood as peace, is no longer enough. i have to daily find myself in jesus now in order to be fit for this next leg of the race set before me.
and it’s time to put this baby to bed now.
new folks continue to stop by and read parts of their story here, so i won’t move out of the neighborhood as long as god continues to use this address. the thing is, the stories i’ve told here…the person of those stories…is just not who i am anymore. god’s writing
a new story of my life a story of my new life now, one that i didn’t expect he’d tell through me at all. kinda like a part two. or maybe part three.
so i’m going to let him.
i love y’all very much. the friendships forged in these quiet/loud pages over the last year-and-a-half have meant the world to me and have sustained me on the darkest of my days. we have laughed a whole lot together, too.
i hope you’ll continue to email me and leave comments here and tell me about your lives. i care deeply for you and would be moved to tears if you and i could maintain the friendships i didn’t expect to begin through these pages.
what an honor to be called your friend. for this, i’m thankful to the god of the blogosphere. i do not take lightly this responsibility and privilege. i will continue to pray for you as god brings you to mind, and would count it such a joy to know more specifically how i could go to god on your behalf.
thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours. only heaven knows what has been set into motion in my life for eternity through you.