i miss my friends. my friends back home, the ones who know me.
i left. i got out. we all knew it was time for me to go, to do this thing that i’m meant to do. they sent me off well, not knowing if or when i would return but for a visit.
my best friends are all over the country.
i know a gazillion people, but there are few in my inner circle.
and this is fine by me. i don’t need less and can’t afford more.
and so i find myself in a new environment with new people i love and am making friends, some i know are becoming heart-and-soul friends.
but i miss the ones who know me. the ones on whose couches i could land at a moment’s notice without thought or question. the ones i don’t have to call first.
i don’t take for granted the new people in my life, i promise you i don’t.
but i miss being known. truly, really, known. and understood. when i don’t have to explain anything because hearts and the duration of life spent together just knows.
and even so, i’m not the same person now i was when i left home for the first time in ten years a few months ago. it’s a dilemma.
even here, in this space…it isn’t fair to come out of hiding after a year of not being in community with you and to drop this on you because you only know me as i was when i left. i’m sorry for that.
but this was longer than a status update could handle and i probably just needed to get some extra words out. i know i keep saying it, and i don’t know when it will actually start to happen, but at some point i will start telling you the story of this last year and where i’ve been and what i’m doing, if you’re even interested to know.
in the meantime, this weekend my prayer has been this:
lord, let me seek to truly know others. forgive me for acting like i know someone when maybe i only know something about them. to those you have placed within my care and my reach, allow me to see into their hearts. keep me from speaking when there are no real words, anyway, and help me just to listen. when i think i know the answer, let me listen harder. let me truly hear their heart and your heart for them. heighten my discernment to silent words. prompt me if and when it’s my turn, but not one moment before. let me not speak just from my own experience, but let me minister to what they are experiencing now. in this moment. may the words of my mouth ONLY be used to edify, encourage and exhort others. and where my words would fall short, allow me the privilege of holding heavy hearts. dare me not from speaking rote, practiced, christianesey language when i haven’t truly listened to the language of their heart. if you have wise counsel to offer through me, then i am an open vessel. but mostly, god, thank you for allowing me the honor of truly knowing others. my brothers and sisters. all of us, your children.