the ones.

i miss my friends. my friends back home, the ones who know me.

i left. i got out. we all knew it was time for me to go, to do this thing that i’m meant to do. they sent me off well, not knowing if or when i would return but for a visit.

my best friends are all over the country.

i know a gazillion people, but there are few in my inner circle.

and this is fine by me. i don’t need less and can’t afford more.

and so i find myself in a new environment with new people i love and am making friends, some i know are becoming heart-and-soul friends.

but i miss the ones who know me. the ones on whose couches i could land at a moment’s notice without thought or question. the ones i don’t have to call first.

i don’t take for granted the new people in my life, i promise you i don’t.

but i miss being known. truly, really, known. and understood. when i don’t have to explain anything because hearts and the duration of life spent together just knows.

and even so, i’m not the same person now i was when i left home for the first time in ten years a few months ago. it’s a dilemma.

even here, in this space…it isn’t fair to come out of hiding after a year of not being in community with you and to drop this on you because you only know me as i was when i left. i’m sorry for that.

but this was longer than a status update could handle and i probably just needed to get some extra words out. i know i keep saying it, and i don’t know when it will actually start to happen, but at some point i will start telling you the story of this last year and where i’ve been and what i’m doing, if you’re even interested to know.

in the meantime, this weekend my prayer has been this:

lord, let me seek to truly know others. forgive me for acting like i know someone when maybe i only know something about them. to those you have placed within my care and my reach, allow me to see into their hearts. keep me from speaking when there are no real words, anyway, and help me just to listen. when i think i know the answer, let me listen harder. let me truly hear their heart and your heart for them. heighten my discernment to silent words. prompt me if and when it’s my turn, but not one moment before. let me not speak just from my own experience, but let me minister to what they are experiencing now. in this moment. may the words of my mouth ONLY be used to edify, encourage and exhort others. and where my words would fall short, allow me the privilege of holding heavy hearts. dare me not from speaking rote, practiced, christianesey language when i haven’t truly listened to the language of their heart. if you have wise counsel to offer through me, then i am an open vessel. but mostly, god, thank you for allowing me the honor of truly knowing others. my brothers and sisters. all of us, your children.

selah.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sharon O
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 16:45:38

    Good to see you here have missed your writing.

  2. Nancy
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 17:26:22

    Great prayer! I definitely want to know the story. I think I even sent your sis a message checking in on you! I have had quite a year and a half myself! I know one thing … You are one strong amazing person!!! Know that you have a lot of people cheering for you on the sidelines even if they aren’t all in the same city!! Xo!!

  3. Tay
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 17:35:14

    Glad to see you back here, MK. It’s crazy thinking about the course of a year and the many changes that have come with it. I would love to hear about your past year and I would love to share with you the things that have happened in my life during this past year.
    <3 Tay

  4. Sgt. Mama- Lovingly marching (with you) in the right direction.
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 17:57:49

    “…but at some point i will start telling you the story of this last year and where i’ve been and what i’m doing, if you’re even interested to know.”

    Of course I’m interested to know. Glad to have you back here.

    ~Steph

  5. Donna Clayton Lloyd
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 18:35:46

    Oh MK– how I love the prayer of your heart for it is also the prayer of mine. And also I pray for the willingness to be truly known. Not to hide nor hold back any of what I am before our Lord. Broken and spilled out, healed and thriviing– wherever I am in any phase, let me just be real, a pilgrim on the journey with all. I miss you and am eager to alway know your story but, most of all, your heart! Forever!

  6. Melissa
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 21:29:50

    After years of always having people transition in and out, or me transitioning in and out, that prayer cuts me to the heart. It takes persistent intention to both know others and let other people know me. It can be so easy to be critical of community and it requires so much of us to follow Jesus’ command to love others as He loved us.

  7. Chefette
    Apr 07, 2013 @ 23:49:12

    I think it’s your willingness to live a transparent life that draws my heart to yours. In my opinion it allows others to see God so much more. Would love to read your story & follow along what is to come.I know for me the times that He’s moved me away have often taught me the most & drawn me closest to Him

  8. covered in His dust
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 09:30:38

    Love this. And thankful for the friends Jesus has sent you while you’re there. Miss you so much…and so glad you’re writing. Agreeing with you in your prayer for you and for me too. Love you sister…

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