into the deep.

in the summer of 2012 (that’s how long it’s been since we’ve been together – hi, hello, how are you? good to see you again), i went through an experience that silenced my soul. i had no words to say to god or anyone and i didn’t want to hear any words from god or anyone. i had heard enough words, so many that my soul became deaf. i just didn’t want any more words. please, no more words. be quiet with all the words.

i still woke up at 5:00 a.m. to meet with the lord every morning. early would i meet him, just as i had done almost every day for the last few years. only at this point, all i could do was…sit there. i knew he was there, too. i was not upset with god or bitter or broken, and i knew he was not upset with me. i was just tired. soul-weary. and i was quiet. and i was tired. exhausted, actually. i couldn’t not meet with him, even in silence.

and so we would just sit there quietly. me and the holy spirit. and zella. she was there, too.

my friend mel reminded me of brennan’s “abba prayer”. those became my only words.

abba, i belong to you.

{lord bless you and keep you, my friend. i miss you.}

i would breathe in and exhale these words over and over for five minutes.

i did this for months.

i still do it now.

(it’s transformational, by the way.)

i started seeing karen again during this time of no words. i also had an army of prayer warriors who had been bathing me for months and continued to cover me in prayer as i recovered. while i had been silent from my army, and then sat in silence with the lord, they waited on me and were at war on my behalf. thank GOD for friends as these.

an aside: you need to have friends like this. that do this. you can’t afford not to, neither can they afford for you not to go to battle for them when duty calls. if you have this, thank god for it and don’t take them for granted. ever.

but then, in what seems like an extended period of simply…existing…in the same space with the holy spirit…i started to…

just sort of…

sense

that his deep

was calling to 

my deep

and had been.

for a while.

the great mystery of the deep unknown of the universe and the commander of the sea and the one for whom mountains move at the sound of his voice and nations tremble by his hand and the earth quakes with his footsteps and the one who created in heaven those who move and breathe and have their being in him like you and like me…

this…other…was calling to and resounding with and responding to and started to sound like the deep, heavy groans of my spirit. the call of the wild and the groan of my aching and tired soul eventually started to make the same sound and i didn’t know that they ever did not until…this.

in those quiet places, the silent ones, when i was resting in the huge and small and warm and vast arms of the only great love of the whole world

i found myself swimming and drowning and floating and no longer resisting this trusted and dangerous and gentle and furiously raging, wild and enigmatic place of the unknown…

this strange and scary and safe and good and terrifying and overwhelming and large and small and great big deep end of the ocean.

there are others of you out here, i know.

someone landed over here this weekend. i’m so glad that you did. thank you for that, sweet whomever you are (and i have no idea who you are).

but i traced the posts that you read, and as i read my own words…words from where i was during the times that i wrote them…i thought, “no…noooo…this isn’t me anymore. this…just isn’t…it’s just not who i am anymore.”

but not because of me, but because when i wasn’t looking god grew me. when i stopped trying to grow myself up and become all better and just gave in to the divine mystery, i evolved, anyway.

once upon a time, i was the girl that the healed up version of me told my old stories and lessons about. at the time that we met, i was no longer that person.

but then i became someone who is now looking back on the girl who told y’all about the lessons that that girl learned and i’m thinking, “i’m not her anymore, either.”

(does that even make sense? it feels weird to talk about three different versions of me, like who i am now is somehow detached from who i used to be. believe me, i’m not.)

i mean…are any of us who we once were anymore?

i’ve grown. i know you have, too.

thank god for hearts and souls that are bent to jesus who loves us enough to change us.

and so it is that when the deep calls out to deep there is but only one choice.

and at some point in those seemingly quiet places, my spirit abandoned ship and started swimming. i just one day realized that i was floating and drowning and swimming in the deep. i turned around and saw the boat just sitting there, empty.

mind you, i wasn’t learning to walk on water.

i was consumed by it.

it’s time for me to start writing again. i jumped ship here last year in a different way. i have wanted to reach out to you, but haven’t known where to start or how to begin again. life moves on and we’ve been fine but, for what it’s worth, i’m sorry if anyone felt i abandoned you. i do know i’m not that powerful, but i don’t take for granted and am so thankful for the faithfulness of the family that was created here. thank you for being a part of my life here in this space.

i started a new blog last year somewhere in the midst of all of this, but i hadn’t been swimming long enough to invite anyone to join me there. plus, i have such an affinity for this girl here. such a deep, abiding affection for her, and for the her i became through her, and both are found here.

but i’m not her anymore, either.

and yet…i’m still both the more grown-up and kid-like versions of those girls, too.

(this just keeps getting weirder. sorry about that.)

i deleted about a thousand sentences and words and a jumbled mess of a story that i didn’t know how to tell of how i got from there to here before i just started writing and not thinking while i asked the lord to show me his point and purpose for this message.

i have debated between staying here or residing there, especially given that it’s only become clearer that my life’s message and ministry is still based on isaiah 61. plus, my name is on this space here.

but it’s not about my name, is it? just makes it easier to find and less for me to have to remember.

i want to leave both doors open in both spaces.

but i just get this sense that it’s time to invite you to meet me out there, into the deep where you might also be by now or perhaps, for some, where you want to go. this is only an invitation. (forgive me. i just realized i’ve been totally out of touch with most of you and so by no means do i presume to know where you’ve been or where you’d like to be. this is just a tale of where i’ve been and basically a telling of “you likely won’t find me here much anymore” and if you’d like to join me there instead of here now, then please do.)

i imagine we will still laugh a lot over there. because god continues to keep me a humble, beautiful mess who hopes she is still full of grace for other humble, beautiful messes. i still have to ask god daily to turn on my filter because i still have a propensity for saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time and i bump into walls and can’t walk and chew gum at the same time and i still love too hard and too much and laugh way too loudly. i still take myself way too seriously and am thankful for my people who help me keep life light.

so, there will be laughter over there.

logistically, i don’t have any idea what any of this means. i have a “like” page for this space…there are subscribers here and not there…which i’m glad for, even as much as i’ve never nor will i ever be a numbers girl of any kind…just thinking out loud about how to get those of you over there from here who want to be a part…i’m not even sure i know my password over there…oh well, i’ll figure all of that out.

so i don’t have a plan, other than to run off to the gym and then the prayer tower once i hit “publish”.

i didn’t even set out to write tonight. i just sat down and did it. (thanks for indulging ALL THE WORDS. have mercy.)

like the tide, my schedule will likely ebb and flow according to the intensity of level of my work and class and life.

i don’t know how often i’ll post or when i’ll write.

i just know that i will.

xo

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24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Traci
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:15:31

    Mary Kathryn – it is good to “hear” your voice again. I don’t know what you’ve been through or what is ahead. Silence can be confusing, frustrating and certainly trying. You write so beautifully; I selfishly wish you will write again but more importantly I hope/trust the Lord will lead you to a new phase. Abba is with you through the transition. Blessings!

    • mary kathryn tyson
      Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:20:25

      aw, thank you so much, traci. that’s so encouraging. truly. thank you.

      i might should have clarified that this was summer of 2012…(it’s been that long since i’ve written here!)…i just did. clarify, i mean. in the post. :)

      i’m looking forward to putting words together again (and hopefully not so many at one time!) :)

      p.s. i just linked back to your “be still” post…WOH, GIRL. the lord has had me in that season over the last few months. of course, i have not been still…at all…but i have recently gotten there. thank you for that. it’s so good.

      xoxo

      • Traci
        Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:48:48

        Thank you for the kind words. The Lord found it fitting to push me on my behind every time I tried to get moving on my own. That post was over 2 years old and I’m still trying to figure out my new journey but the Lord led me to something else. Something I couldn’t have planned for on my own. I’m still awkwardly figuring it out but it’s taught me dependence on Him.

        I like what Tay wrote in her comment. Even without knowing your current story (or anyone’s) you cannot expect time, events and trials not to have an impact on us. A new voice – whatever it may look like is ok. It’s honest and that is where I believe the Lord wants us.

        Sorry for my many words – maybe it’s time for me to write again too. Keep on truckin’ girl!

        • mary kathryn tyson
          Dec 04, 2013 @ 06:30:26

          Traci,

          I know *exactly* what you’re talking about, the Lord pushing you on your butt. That’s a great way to describe it, and I guess that’s what happened to me come to think of it. It just never felt right.

          To be honest? As soon as I published this one, I thot, “No, you’re just not ready” – but that’s not because of what happened. I think it’s just where God has me in my life right now. (It might have also been my own insecurity. It remains to be seen.) Actually…maybe not. Because I was silenced during “the thing”. My voice was taken away, so maybe it has more to do with it than I realized. I’ll ask God after I’ve had my tea. ;)

          I walked through the healing process of “the thing” once it happened and just don’t want to give it any attention here. I’ve been healed from it, even I continue to walk out my healing. (It wasn’t the actual thing itself; rather, the circumstances were just so unique that hurt my brain more than my heart.) So if I ever share lessons learned from it publicly, it will likely be a while. Sit with me on a couch, no big deal.

          And even as I posted this, I thot, “Aw, my little family is *here*. In *this* space.” Who even knows.

          ANYWAY. Thank you for that post. I’d love to know more about the adventure you’re on now. I love your voice, so I hope you’re using it.

          xo

  2. Melissa
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:31:59

    I smiled when I saw this pop up in my newsfeed. We are all ever-growing, and I sigh gratefully to Jesus when I see clearly how I have changed from who I used to be. Especially, when I spent so much time and energy fighting for change in myself and I would be so frustrated. Then when I surrendered to not being able to change myself…the growth would come.

    There were several times I started writing you an email but never finished, but I would love to catch up with you now.

    • mary kathryn tyson
      Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:36:11

      hey my friend,

      SO GOOD to see your face and hear from you. and thank you so much. your words are truth.

      i am actually still very pretty terrible about emailing people back. :) (sorry to say. it is what it is. i just don’t want to set you up.) PLEASE feel free to get in touch – i would LOVE it – just know it still takes me a while to respond. :)

      xoxo

      • Melissa
        Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:53:44

        Well if I ever get around to writing that email, then I suppose I can be patient for a response. :)

        • mary kathryn tyson
          Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:57:02

          ha! PERFECT. that sounds like an awesome deal. :)

          but do know that i love you very much and when/if you ever do feel like writing it, i will receive it with great joy.

          i just may take a month or four to let you know it. :)

  3. Sharon O
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:35:10

    Good to see you back and your journey sounds beautiful.

  4. Tay
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:36:36

    So, I have a confession to make. It was me, old friend, that was reading those old posts of yours. I was feeling quite nostalgic and God put it on my mind to go back and read some of your old posts and my old comments. I poured my heart and soul into my comments and it’s basically like an old journal. As I was reading through them all, I have to admit, I found myself thinking the same thing as you. Who I was back in 2011 and 2012…that’s not who I am anymore. I’m more confident than I was, not only in who I am in Christ, but also who I am as a woman and as a leader. MK, SO MUCH has happened since we last talked. SO MUCH.

    • mary kathryn tyson
      Dec 03, 2013 @ 22:45:54

      OMW!! TAY-TAY!! it was YYOOUUU!! i’m so glad to know it! mystery solved!

      and SO GLAD to know it because that is just special to me.

      YOU are still so special to me.

      i have no idea where to even have you begin catching me up on your life, so start wherever and fill me in. (but see melissa’s note above. i will try to be better about responding to y’all more promptly!)

      love you, tay-tay! so happy to hear from you!

      xo

  5. Leigh Kramer
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 23:14:49

    It’s good to read your words again, no matter where they may be. I miss you. I love you. The end.

    • mary kathryn tyson
      Dec 03, 2013 @ 23:19:01

      i seriously can’t even tell you…don’t have the words…to tell you how much i miss you. i had to reset my bb (i know, i know…my contract is up in february) and so i didn’t add bbm to it because WHAT’S THE POINT IF YOU’RE NOT THERE? i love you, leigh. i miss you.

  6. Makeda
    Dec 04, 2013 @ 08:48:15

    “i went through an experience that silenced my soul.” THIS!!! I know that space well. It is good to “hear” your voice again and grateful that you have invited us into this journey of where you’ve been and where you are going. Praying continued grace over you friend. Hugs to you!

  7. Sarah Koci Scheilz
    Dec 04, 2013 @ 10:07:04

    You’re a gem, friend. So thankful you’re back. Love your heart and your words. xoxo

  8. Amy N
    Dec 04, 2013 @ 15:47:52

    I love that when I read your words I can hear you speaking them. And oh that laugh – it is one of my favorites – so don’t ever stop. You are beautiful, amazing, and gracefully loved. Welcome home my friend.

  9. Kim Sullivan
    Dec 04, 2013 @ 16:59:24

    Hey, Sweet Girl! Glad to see this. I have missed both you and your words. Much love from me and mine.

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