woh. woh. woh.
just got off the phone and my head is spinning with some thoughts.
this i know: our hearts are The Most Important Thing To God.
second most important? our relationships, with Him and everyone. the ones that He has created and not the ones we try to force and fabricate, but the True Ones who are our Love-Family? these are the ones that matter to God who is Love.
we all bring to the table our own brand of dysfunction. and in our dysfunction, sometimes we don’t know we’re hurting each other until our relationships explode and there are blood and guts everywhere. and sometimes we’re all, “WAIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING I HAD NO IDEA WHY ARE THEY SO MAD THEY MUST HAVE ANGER ISSUES.”
for the discerning and the wise, the ones who have perhaps been through some therapy and maybe even one or two or all twelve of the twelve steps, for anyone who is instrospective at all or has any shred amount of self-awareness, we aren’t surprised when this happens because we see our part. we might see their part, too. but we focus on our own.
that’s actually an aside, though.
because, when this happens – that is, when our relationships explode and we’re left wounded on the field only to be found by the Healer who is The Only One Who Heals – it might take some time for our blood and guts to no longer be flung about, or to be put back together again. but if we’re willing patients, and do all the therapy and healing-stuff that wounded soldiers need to do in order that they return to perhaps a more vulnerable but also stronger state of being, then we might find ourselves and our relationships restored.
sometimes he uses other soldiers from the same battlefield on which we have fought together to say, “me too” and we can validate each other’s hurt in order to further our healing. sometimes this happens.
sometimes you just have to lay stuff aside for the sake of a greater cause. this is unfortunate, but this is life. but it’s actually unfortunate because it is not life at all.
because Life is the Love that is the Healer.
but if it starts with just sitting next to each other because you know you have to and so, “let’s just be grown-up about this”, then, listen. you did it. you are doing it. you are doing your job and you are doing a really good job of doing your job. what am i talking about – i forget that i have found myself in this situation recently, actually. i just have to be a grown-up. sometimes there’s this. perhaps it’s the front-end of a healing. it’s hard to know what that will look like, and we’re not really meant to know that.
sometimes relationships are just going to be what they are because we tried to make them into something they were never meant to be.
so i’m not talking about these kind of relationships.
i’m talking about the ones who, together, you fought the good and right fight until you started fighting each other. or fighting about each other. or perhaps you were fighting against something fighting against you, together. anyway, it blew up and you both -or you all- were casualties and you couldn’t help each other because you lay dying in the same field and you’re not really sure who hurt who anymore. you just know you’re all hurt and you need to not know each other forever, if not for now.
or at least you think that.
and maybe it’s true.
god desires, above all, reconciliation to his heart and healed relationships with one another. i’ve learned, though, that we can’t force it. if he desires it, which he does, then when it’s time he will open the door, if we’re willing to walk through it. and it may be awkward at first. because when a man goes down and then gets back up, he might have to learn to walk again. and to a man who is learning to walk again, who always was able to walk and then suddenly couldn’t, is re-learning this? it just feels strange physically, and it plays games with your brain, mentally.
and so, sometimes, once the healing has taken place and restoration has happened? it may feel awkward to share space again with that person. because you don’t feel pain anymore, only Love – because that’s what the Healer does in the end-parts of our recovery, He takes away the pain and replaces it with an even greater depth of Love, an even greater capacity for Trust and intense level of Grace and so much more Compassion for each other. because all this time, when Love was healing up secret places that were no longer your pain but just your tender scars, you found now that you just miss each other.
because Love and Time and Life is the Healer.
even so, you don’t really know what it’s going to be like to just…be…in space together again.
but you just do it, anyway. you just do it. anyway. and in any way.
because now there’s a knowing between you. you look and see and hear and understand because of the battle you fought together before the battle you fought against each other, and you remember and you recognize that it was Love that drew you together in the first place. and the woundedness, and the healing and the restoration between you now makes everything so much sweeter and so much deeper.
and Love, this kind of Love that is buried deep into the rich soil of hearts, the kind that takes years and time and pain and goodness and watering and space and hard, hard labor and time, time, time to grow and till, that is The Best Kind of Love -the Only Kind of Love- worth having. if you’re going to have any kind of Love at all, make it the kind that you fought to have and to keep, the kind you paid a price for and a price was paid for you. the kind of Love that found you worthy of having is The Only Kind of Love worth having at all.