i need to tell you something. it’s about last month.
you know…when we did the just write! campaign?
it was inspired at a really good time. in fact, it couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
i don’t have insurance right now. since i’m working a few part-time jobs (which i a d o r e), it’s up to me to take care of my own benefits. even though i can afford a basic plan, i just received a letter from blue cross rejecting me because i have been treated for both depression and a melanoma in situ in the last few years.
before i could settle in to a regular pay schedule and budget, i paid for my own prescriptions in july. it was a pretty penny, one that i was fairly certain i wouldn’t be able to soon afford again. one script was more of a convenience than a necessity, so it wouldn’t be a big deal if i had to come off of it.
i was a little bit more nervous, however, about the other one.
when i told my neuropsychiatrist that i quit my job back in may, he said, ‘oh, good. now you can go down on your dosage.’ (he doubled it 18 months earlier when my dad died.) i reduced my intake with no obvious consequence.
but when i paid $375 for a refill, i knew i had to make it last as long as i could and cut back a little bit more than he originally suggested because WHO CAN AFFORD $375 TO REGULATE THEIR EMOTIONAL STABILITY.
god obviously knew what i could not have known when, in fact, i realized i wouldn’t be able to shell that kind of cash out again and my insurance application was still in limbo.
when i realized i had about 10 days left of my prescription, i started weaning myself. (i had stopped cold turkey the last time i left a job and was waiting for new insurance to kick in and, as much as i enjoyed seeing trails and the vomiting, I JUST WASN’T EXCITED ABOUT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN.)
when i finally did run out of pills, i knew i was facing a potentially violent withdrawal. i begged god, though, not to let that happen again. it could have been debilitating and i couldn’t afford for that to happen. (literally.)
and it didn’t. i didn’t throw up, not one time. (thank god. i hate throwing up. barf me out. uh…literally.)
while i didn’t get sick, i was still dizzy and nauseous and especially weepy for about six weeks. it wasn’t until about a week or so ago when i finally felt clean and clear.
and this is why the just write! campaign proved to be timely.
if you’ll remember, i announced it in the last week of august, to begin the first week of september. i had just come off my meds at that time and i wasn’t sure what would come out of my head otherwise. i had to monitor myself on every level. i needed the creative help, but i also needed strict parameters. i even asked a couple of close friends to keep a proverbial eye on me during this time.
what might be a more interesting story is to tell you the how/when/why i ever started taking an anti in the first place. i’m a big fan for those who need them (not so much for those who do not). (now, i mean. not at first. definitely not at first.) i’ll save that for another time, though, as well as what god has shown me through this whole thing.
in the meantime, i just needed for you to know. kinda like a confession. or, maybe…more just to keep all lines of communication open. to stay true to myself and to you.
and because there is so little that you don’t know about me, so why not tell you about this?
you would be none the worse for the wear had i not told you, but i just wanted to be honest with you about the true impetus behind the just write! campaign. the reason i didn’t tell you in the beginning is because i didn’t want it to shade the good side of the experiment, which is what it did for our creativity. also because I COULDN’T THINK OR SEE STRAIGHT. plus, it’s just sort of…actually, it’s a very…personal matter, you know? (like…how much should one really share with their virtual friends? there i go again with the no filter. what are we going to do with this girl?)
all of this said, my head feels normal again and i have better control of my weepiness, so i look forward to sharing with you more of the seeds god planted in my heart over the last month or so without having a meltdown.
y’all have a great day.