do you really think i didn’t know the outcome?
no, lord. i know you knew.
then do you think i allowed it to happen because i’m loving?
or because i’m spiteful?
* * * * * * * * * *
i likened my heart recently to a can of crushed tomatoes.
no big deal, i’m over it now.
(really. i’m over it.)
(for real. i promise.)
(okay, so i’m getting there.)
(plus, i may or may not have been a tiiiny bit dramatic and it turns out the thing was much bigger in my head than in reality.)
but for a hot minute my heart hurt in a long-forgotten way.
and when i took it to jesus, that’s what i heard with the ears of my crushed-tomato heart.
i forget sometimes that jesus is all-knowing and all-powerful but he is also, always and in all ways ALL-loving. because it’s who he is and it’s what he does.
he ONLY loves.
do you get that?
so, even when i ask a thousand questions and don’t have any answers and my heart is a can of crushed tomatoes and i can’t make sense of the why’s and the how’s…
he is working on my behalf for love and not for spite.
not to punish but to progress.
not to hold me back but to propel me forward.
i continue to be blown away by this man who came to seek and save the lost.
the one who knows and goes after his own.
the one who stands at the door of my heart, knocking, waiting to be invited in so he can show and tell me how much he loves me, not so he can come in and take over and affront and offend.
the one who lovingly and persistently pursues my heart, my life, my whole soul and being in a way that points directly and only to himself.
he hurts my heart only in the best ways, never in a way that would bring harm or do damage. not in a way that brings confusion, but offers clarity.
so, yes, lord.
come in to this still-beating heart of mine. because if hurting it only draws it closer to yours and i see my choice to become softer and not bitter, then make it so.
make my heart a can of crushed tomatoes if you will, i don’t mind.
because i know
i know that i know that i know
that it’s only because
you love me
that you allow my heart to
hurt so good.
pain is the special province of the heart. and in the providence of a merciful god, he is able to convert it to something golden. something good. -paula rinehart (strong women, soft hearts)