i left. i got out. we all knew it was time for me to go, to do this thing that i’m meant to do. they sent me off well, not knowing if or when i would return but for a visit.

my best friends are all over the country.

i know a gazillion people, but there are few in my inner circle.

and this is fine by me. i don’t need less and can’t afford more.

and so i find myself in a new environment with new people i love and am making friends, some i know are becoming heart-and-soul friends.

but i miss the ones who know me. the ones on whose couches i could land at a moment’s notice without thought or question. the ones i don’t have to call first.

i don’t take for granted the new people in my life, i promise you i don’t.

but i miss being known. truly, really, known. and understood. when i don’t have to explain anything because hearts and the duration of life spent together just knows.

and even so, i’m not the same person now i was when i left home for the first time in ten years a few months ago. it’s a dilemma.

even here, in this space…it isn’t fair to come out of hiding after a year of not being in community with you and to drop this on you because you only know me as i was when i left. i’m sorry for that.

but this was longer than a status update could handle and i probably just needed to get some extra words out. i know i keep saying it, and i don’t know when it will actually start to happen, but at some point i will start telling you the story of this last year and where i’ve been and what i’m doing, if you’re even interested to know.

in the meantime, this weekend my prayer has been this:

lord, let me seek to truly know others. forgive me for acting like i know someone when maybe i only know something about them. to those you have placed within my care and my reach, allow me to see into their hearts. keep me from speaking when there are no real words, anyway, and help me just to listen. when i think i know the answer, let me listen harder. let me truly hear their heart and your heart for them. heighten my discernment to silent words. prompt me if and when it’s my turn, but not one moment before. let me not speak just from my own experience, but let me minister to what they are experiencing now. in this moment. may the words of my mouth ONLY be used to edify, encourage and exhort others. and where my words would fall short, allow me the privilege of holding heavy hearts. dare me not from speaking rote, practiced, christianesey language when i haven’t truly listened to the language of their heart. if you have wise counsel to offer through me, then i am an open vessel. but mostly, god, thank you for allowing me the honor of truly knowing others. my brothers and sisters. all of us, your children.

selah.

i have a new blog. 

it’s over here now.

meet me there?

xo

i’ve missed you.

it’s been too long. tell me how you’ve been, i want to know.

i wish we could sit down together and exchange stories about these last few months. i’d love to hear about what god’s been teaching you and tell you what i’ve been learning, too. there’s so much for us to talk about, i know.

so much. 

i’ve wanted to come by and talk to you a few times, but then i just didn’t.

or couldn’t.

the truth is, i just haven’t been free to write over here, to tell you my stories.

sometimes life just happens in a way that can’t be explained in words on paper.

or on blogs.

sometimes life-stuff requires a full pot and a comfy couch and a box of kleenex between friends. so we can look in each others’ faces and speak the language only hearts speak that can’t be translated through a keyboard on a screen.

that’s the kind of life i’ve had in the last few months while you haven’t heard from me.

stuff of real life. stuff that can only happen in real life.

and so it makes my heart sad to tell you that i don’t know when you’ll hear from me again after today. my life is changing. it’s turning in such a different direction than one i’ve projected here. i’m changing. i’ve changed. god is changing me on a deep soul-level and i just have to go with it now.

i’m being set free in ways i’ve been in bondage for so long that i haven’t even recognized as bondage.

i’m dying a little bit more each day, in all the right ways.

using my roar has taken on an entirely different meaning than what i thought it meant at the beginning of the year. i know now, though, that god set it up that way and i’m sure there’s more to that than i even know right now.

i joined my church and have even started singing there again which, you all know, are both huge milestones for me.

also, i got engaged. for years i’ve said i was just “waiting for my cowboy” and phillip just showed up one day. in a wheelchair. i’ve learned ours is one of those stories that can only be shared in person. i wasn’t holding out on you, by the way. one night i was the girl in the green dress and ten days later i became a fiance. i didn’t even have time to tell anyone i was dating someone! he’s awesome. i love god and want more of him because of phillip. i can’t believe god loves me so much that he would partner me with such a precious man and amazing jesus-warrior.

who is also very much a rugged and sexy and confident cowboy.

ye-ow-zas.

only i didn’t. couldn’t. not that day.

and so i went by today and realized why it was necessary for me to pay her, and the rest of the neighborhood, a visit.

because of the empty.

my accidental blog hiatus began exactly a month from friday. i didn’t mean to do it. the following week i was teaching all day and then subbing at night and i knew then i wouldn’t have time to write, figuring it would only be for the week.

and then there was a moment in church when the lord made clear i was to concentrate my focus on a few particular areas, knowing it would be temporary, but realizing it would mean i wouldn’t be writing for a while longer.

but then comes the moment, or moments, when i’ve discovered my emptiness…not the depression-kind of empty…but a hollowness when god once again strips away parts of me that i didn’t realize i had been holding onto, clinging to…the kind of empty that hurts but you know it’s only in the best ways, the right ways. god and i needed space for this, it seems, in a way that couldn’t be worked out for you to see or read but for me to come back later and point to him.

and i have no real words but i will try to find them in coming days to explain my heart in ways that are true and real and i will honor myself and bring glory to god for this private leg of the road, but for now i’m glad to find myself broken again…

and empty…

poured out, so he can fill my cup

til again it overflows.

it feels good and right to write again. i needed help aligning my fingers and my heart and my words before i begin again, so i linked up on a sunday afternoon for friday’s five-minutes (given i spent a month not writing anything at all, i’m just glad i’m here.) y’all run by and meet other bloggers, where hearts meet words and friends are found. even on a monday.

every friday, i link up with other bloggers over the gypsy mama’s house for five-minute friday. the rules are: just write, without edit or filter. as a practice, it taps into my creative writing, which i love to do.

my one suggestion is that you write before you read so that your mind & heart are fully free to speak.

as always, if you don’t have a space of your own to participate, you are welcome to utilize a comment space here.

today’s prompt: trust. 

you’ve already learned to trust me, so now just do it.

so i quit my job with benefits for one more fulfilling but less secure and haven’t looked back. not once.

you’ve already learned to trust me, so now just do it.

all my bills are paid, every month, even though i live paycheck-to-paycheck like we all do anymore and work 3 part-time jobs. but i trust, and he provides.

you’ve already learned to trust me, so now just do it.

i went today to have another mole removed. he wasn’t concerned about it but we’ve been down this road before when i got a phone call instead of a letter and two scars to show for the work he did so meticulously, so he took it off for me.

you’ve already learned to trust me, so now just do it.

and i will trust. yes, i will trust.

adventure awaits but it’s just not time for that right now. one foot in front of the other, the here and the now, my head & my feet in the same place. nose to the grindstone, face set as flint, i press on in the daily toward my own higher calling.

this is my life as i know it for now but not forever and that’s okay. i’m okay.

i trust that he knows and he is and he does and he works on my behalf, for my good because he himself is good. he does not operate for spite, but for my benefit. he only protects, only loves. he is not scary in a way that is frightening or intimidating, but in a way that i can only say, your way is higher than mine, you know more than i do, you see more than i can see

so, i trust. with all that i am, i trust.

to read my former 5mf posts, please click here.

i continued emailing them every time i picked up a chip that first year in order to hold myself accountable, more for myself than for them.

so i’ve been posting those emails for you, in hopes that they might help someone or help you deal with someone you know who might struggle with addiction.

as i went looking for the 90-day chip email i sent to my friends, i found another one i sent privately to my therapist karen two days later (exactly five years ago tomorrow). i debated over which one to post for you, ultimately choosing this one because of how raw and real it is for me.

i’ll post the 90-day email i sent to my friends on another day. for now, i hope this helps someone.

february 8, 2007

karen,

today has been a good day.

all week i have been cranky and pissy.  mostly yesterday, but it was building up all week.  {my co-worker} and i didn’t need to talk to each other all day, really; the phone rang -maybe- twice while she was still here and after she left at 2, the phone rang 3 times.  all three times it was ___.  i left work early, pissy and cranky, having realized that i’ve had this list of things to work on all week and i haven’t gotten a single thing done.  same for at home, too.  i’m having company tonight and then a brunch on saturday, and my goal was to work on cleaning my house all week.  granted, it’s not that messy, but i haven’t done a single thing to it all week.  so, i left work cranky, but then extra-pissy because i’ve had these lists of things to do and haven’t done a single thing on either.

i left at 4:00, headed toward my tailor, and i was just pissy.  while i was trying to find a parking space, i saw a woman from the program.  this morning i told everyone else, “we had a mini-meeting right there in the parking lot.”  i went in to the tailor and when i was checking out, she said, “do you want the old hem or the new hem?” and showed me samples.  “i don’t understand.  i just want the same hem.”  we went back and forth on this for about 7 minutes.  i felt crazy in my head when i left, which sure didn’t help my funk.

on the way to the post office, i thought, “well, maybe i should do something nice for someone.”  so i stopped off at one of my artist’s homes to pick up the stuff she said was bringing me this week.  she’s having a rough pregnancy, so i thought i’d do her the service.  i felt better for a few minutes, but i was still kind of cranky when i left.  i called d when i left the post office and bitched to him about my pissiness.  he helped me laugh at myself and it was nice just to tell someone since i hadn’t spoken to almost anyone all day.  when i got home, i needed to make cookies for a meeting i was going to later.  i thought, “maybe i should do something nice for someone.  i’ll make extra cookies for the group tomorrow.”  by the time i got home from my junior league meeting last night, i was feeling a little bit better.  i realize today that it was nice to be around people.

this morning, d called to wake me up at 6:30.  zella had already gotten me out of bed at 5:00 and i hadn’t been able to fall back to sleep.  i guess at some point right before 6:30, though, i managed to fall back to sleep because i wasn’t awake when he called.  i told him i thought i’d try and go back to sleep and not go this morning.  my alarm went off a few minutes later and i hit snooze.  when the snooze went off, i turned it off all together.  then, i woke up right at 7:00 – which is what my clock said, but it’s actually a few minutes fast.  i laid there thinking, “ugh.  i don’t want to get out of bed…”  and then it hit me, “dammit if i didn’t make cookies for the group.  who will i give those damn cookies to if i don’t take them to the meeting?”  so i got up, brushed my teeth, put on a bra, and grabbed my cookies and went.

the parking lot was more crowded than usual and the couches were all taken.  i was cussing the people in the room when i was making my coffee and sat down next to jason* on sort of the outer circle.  i missed the topic, i only heard the leader re-share that “i just know it’s about me, not about anyone else.”

a couple of people said, “i appreciate what you shared, sarah*, i have been feeling that way, too.”  and when i spoke, i said, “i don’t know which sarah* shared what, but i’m going to pretend like these feelings that everyone else has said they’ve been having are the same ones i’ve been having so i don’t feel so alone…” and i went into my story about how pissy and cranky i have been, and told the story about yesterday.  and i said that i had been alone most of the day yesterday, but it’s one thing to choose that and it’s another thing when i don’t have a choice.  and while i was speaking, i tied it up with ”i hope this is normal when you get your 90-days” and pointed out that part of my attitude is, now that i’m no longer being clapped for for a few months, now what?  and it was easy to do this when i knew i was getting chips, but now is when i actually have to do the work and it was putting me in a bad mood.  and i told them about my cookies and said, “thank you”.  they all laughed and a couple people said, “keep coming back!”

and then my sweet lady-friend martha* said, “i remember feeling that way when i got 90-days and someone told me it was the best chip and the worst chip for the same reason.”  and my friend kitty* next to her was nodding her head.  and then the man who’d i’d be in love with if he were my age and not gay and whose words i hang onto with all that i have, commented on st. francis and how he was a saint and that’s how he was able to write that prayer.  (that’s when i learned that -i guess- they were talking about the 11th-step prayer.)  and he said, “but i am not a saint.  and i am not perfect.  but i was more moved today by someone who is also not perfect but is trying than the prayer of any saint.”  sweet, sweet man.  i love him.

and then the neatest thing happened, karen.  well, after i spoke, james* -a man i love who was sitting near me- got up and came back and whispered, “i want the first one.”  but then, one by one -not on purpose, and not everyone did this- but, as the morning wore on, different ones got up to use the bathroom or refill their coffee and they all picked up at least one cookie that i had made from scratch.  and it moved me to tears.  and so, during the burning desire-time, i raised my hand, and was of course crying, and i said, “i realize that the reason i’ve been so cranky is because i’m meant for community.  and i went through almost the whole day yesterday before speaking to anyone.  and i don’t even know if my cookies are good because i haven’t tried them, but one by one i’ve watched everyone get up and have one and it means so much to me to be a part of this community.  and i don’t know if you just did it to make me feel better, but that’s the reason why i know i came today, so thanks.”

and so, today has been a good day.  much better than yesterday or any other day this week.  and i went home with an empty tupperware and i have been in community today.

a little sidestory: on the way to my meeting this morning and what i shared later with my friend shannon* after thinking about it briefly one more time during the meeting, is that i realize that much of my life, i have been coasting along on the wings of the men in my family, and other ones who have been in my life.  and they have all had broken wings.  and i don’t know if that’s what you were thinking of when you said, “i know, but i want you to come to it on your own.”  but that’s what i came to on my own today.  it was unfair to think they could carry me when their wings weren’t strong enough; and, also, to realize that i have my own wings and don’t need to “coast along” on anyone else’s…

woh.  and now i’m remembering this and it’s suddenly all coming together…oh man, i don’t know why i didn’t put it all together at the time…

when i came home, i took zella out to the field and stopped when i saw this huge bird gliding through the sky.  it was just so beautiful.  and i turned around and watched it fly to the top of a bare tree where his friends and family were waiting.  and then another bird fell, fell, fell out of the tree, before it swooped back up and carried itself across to the top of another tree.  and i knew i didn’t have time to get my camera to take a picture and it was just going to have to be one of those moments i would have to just capture in my head and remember how wonderful it was.

and as i was walking back, the thought came into my heart,

mary kathryn, you’re like that bird gliding through the sky.  you have wings like that.  and your sky is just as big.

i’m so glad i journaled this.  i didn’t want to forget this day before i could share it with you next week.  and now i am seeing why it was important for me just to write it and process it.  that would have never come together for me if i hadn’t remembered it again.  i’m so glad i did.

love you.

xo

*names are changed to protect anonymity.

every time you cried, we would change you and feed you and walk you and rock you.

and we would just look at you and hold you and love you and kiss you all over.

because we had no idea what we were doing, but we knew exactly what to do.

you dropped out of heaven and into our arms and we get to hold you forever, for now.

you were then as you are now so easy to love.

you come by your personality honestly, but the thing is…

you had one long before we could ever give one to you.

you are your very own strong and independent girl, so brave and courageous.

daily you amaze with the questions you ask. you are just. so. smart. you ask such good questions, hannah grace. really good, smart questions.

and i know you don’t like being called cute (except when you do) because big girls are pretty and not cute but one day, you will appreciate the value of being both cute and pretty, because you are very much both.

you are beautiful, though, because of who jesus is on the inside of you, hanners. you are so gracious and kind and compassionate and generous. you have such a lovely, tender and precious heart.

you are wildly creative, incredibly funny and you come up with great ideas!

you are encouraging and inspiring.

you are already your best self, just as you are. 

and as we continue figuring out how to build up and esteem your larger-than-life, sweet, pretty-and-cute self, hannah grace, and help you navigate life…

just enjoy being four for now. it’s your only job.

you’ll be a teenager soon enough. no need to rush becoming a grownie, even though i, of course, understand because your kk was once four.

i love you more than my own life, princess strawbarellatinkerbelle.

you are my very favorite part of every day.

happy birthday, hannah grace!

{february 4, 2008}

you’re just so…real. 

this is what’s real, this is not real.

i can’t believe this is really happening.

my feelings aren’t facts, but they are still real.

what’s really real?

did you know, today

that you are

really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really

loved and cared for and adored?

you are cherished and treasured and precious to someone’s heart? 

most especially to the heart of the one who breathed you into being?

and that you are enough? just as you are? you do not have to do or be or become better or more or different.

today, just you, exactly you, you are exactly perfect.

even as you become perfect.

and today

you matter.

and you are being fought for, even if you have stopped fighting on your own behalf

you are beautiful, GORGEOUS

and handsome

and wonderful

and a creative being created by The Most Creative Being

you are already in exactly the right place

at exactly the right time

and there is only and always good in store for your life

perhaps your sparkle is tarnished, but it’s still there

and maybe life doesn’t seem real, or you wish your life wasn’t real right now

but you were created for such a time as this

this is your moment, today, this one here.

live it, breathe it, shine on it it.

today. 

(i just needed a reminder and thought you might, too.)

today’s prompt: real

i could have settled for what was being offered, but it was table scraps and i am worth more than that.

so i found my roar.

on sunday, i woke up and deleted from my phone without thinking he who had occupied way too much head-but-not-heart space over the last few months. (and this time i can’t remember his number.) 

it would be like me to wait and wonder and hope and cry and pray and wish upon falling stars but i don’t have {any more} time or energy to waste or lose.

so i used my roar.

my sister had been encouraging me to take a financial class that she had taken at our church, where she received much freedom and success.

i stepped into the first meeting of the season on sunday night.

and there i roared.

and there was also that time when i realized i am 9 months away from being 5 years away from my life being half-over. 

so i am learning to {use my} roar.

per my one word 365, each of these are the very distinct opportunities i deliberately chose to use my roar in january. i recognized my other options, those of being agreeable and not standing up for myself; the ones of self-pity, false humility, pride & ego; and those of making others responsible for me.

i took my power and my choices back from myself, for myself.

i put my foot down at myself and said no more on behalf of myself.

and, instead, i used my roar.

when was the last time you used your roar?

would you recognize the sound of your own roar if you heard it?

(mine sounds like a foreign language.)

(and evidently that language is spanish.)