it is not meant to be just right. the goal is that we would just write.

it is my suggestion that you write before you read so your head and heart aren’t filled with others’ words.

as always, if you don’t have space of your own to fill, you are welcome to spend five minutes in one of the comment spaces below.

today’s prompt: tender

love me tender, love me true, love me like you do

you come in to those deep dark places

and tenderly touch til they hurt with your light

and they are no more

i adore that this is characteristic of you, my father & my husband

my protector and my provider

that you are warrior and rock, strength and shield

both fighter and lover

and that being fully man, you are tender still

thank you for being both health and healer, word and messenger

my hope, my faith, my truth is found in your cleft

and at your feet

and in your heart and in your arms

i look to you, who looks back with tender and

i am found

and i am safe

and i am strong

you who loves tender and true like you do

my heart, my life, my soul is filled to overflowing with gratitude

you can find my former 5mf posts here.

* * * * * * * * * *

an aside: as a theatre person in college, i became famous for a role i played my freshman year. in fact, i was so well-known for it that it became my swan song when we reprised it my senior year. (playing the same role twice was perhaps the hardest role i’d ever played.)

graceland is a one-act play about two women who are fighting to be the first in line for the opening of graceland. it is moving, touching and stinking hilarious if you ever get the chance to see it. i played bev, the older, saucier, been-around-the-block character to my childhood friend carey, who played a more naive, used-and-abused trudy. it was our final show together.

in the last scene in the play, i stood alone on a dark stage (in a stocking cap because i had taken off my dolly parton wig) and sang love me tender.

it remains my favorite role, though it’s not the sort of thing i talk about or think of too often.

and my friend roni remembered this today. to be remembered? and known?

thank you for this, roni. love you, old friend.

what i’m not sure she could have known was that my dad was a huge elvis fan and this song was special between us.

y’all have a sweet day.

know that you are fully known and fully loved.

just as you are.

last fall, i thought my one word for 2012 was going to be intimacy. it became and has been such a prevalent theme in my life for the last few months. but then i decided it was so personal and,well…you know…intimate.

so i landed on hope instead when my depression was at its worst because it was what i needed most. at the time, i was fragile and sad and just needed to know that all would be just okay. hope was my one word for several days. weeks, actually. in my sadness, hope rested well.

for her own really wonderful reasons, leigh had also selected hope. it was reassuring that my friend and i would be able to encourage each other in hope this year. i even announced on the twitter that we had picked the same word. it felt right at the time.

on new year’s eve, i watched courageous at my church. for a hot minute, i considered changing my one word for 2012 from hope to courageous.

at our family reunion on new year’s day, i told (one of) my very awesome cousin(s) about #oneword365 and how i had selected hope because i was feeling a little bit lost and he said, no, you’re past hope. you need something else, something stronger. his words were oddly empowering and, i realized, true. the following day, we texted back and forth on possible ideas for a new word.

we landed on boldness. 

i sat with boldness for about a week. it felt weird. strange. awkward. uncomfortable. i wanted it to fit, but it just didn’t.

then the gypsy mama, who i love, posted the first five-minute friday of the year. even then, though, it didn’t hit me right away. i wrote my 5mf post that day but it wasn’t until i was on a walk with sweet baby c later that morning that it hit me like a bolt of lightning and i knew that i knew that i knew.

i’ve sat with it now for a few weeks and it has already bolstered my year. it sits right with me and i am committed to it, heart and soul. here now, i’m ready to share it with you.

i am tired of being afraid and waiting for adventure to happen and watching my life from the sidelines. i will no longer shirk back, quietly wishing for it to be my turn. i want to live that which i preach to others, to be fearless and brave.

i am getting back into my own game, becoming my own cheerleader and advocating for myself as only i can. i will be on my own team and champion the person that god has called and created me to be.

i will not stand to be the victim or the martyr of my own life.

instead of a sheepish meow, i will stand on my own two feet in the strength of my spirit and i will roar. not for fear or to intimidate others or to have my way, but i will make my way and leave my mark and i will make a difference in my own world.

like a lion, i will roar for protection and to guard the what and the who that has been placed within my care.

i will stand for causes and face the facts and promote and encourage others. i will fight no other fight but the good one (because no other fight is worth fighting but that one) and i will run the race set before me (and not anyone else) with fierce determination.

not for arrogance or recognition or because i am anything great on my own, but because a half-assed life is no life at all and certainly not one that brings glory to the one who died to give us life.

with both a christ-focused humility and confidence, i will find my roar.

the intimacy between jesus & myself is very personal and i reveal through words here what i am free to share about that; otherwise, it’s not for public measure or display.

i have hope and i know the one in whom my hope is found.

i want to have greater boldness. and to live more courageously.

i am making my way toward brave and fearless.

and with one word, i am all of these.

this is my one word 365.

this is my solemn vow.

hear me roar.

]]> http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/like-a-lion/feed/ 18 mktys0n one word 365 http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/identity-crisis/ http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/identity-crisis/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:00:43 +0000 mary kathryn tyson http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/?p=3292 ]]> when i was a freshman in high school, i was proud to be so widely-recognized as ‘molly’s little sister‘. she was a gregarious senior whom everyone loved and i secretly wanted to be her, so i never minded the association, despite my best efforts to act like i didn’t care at all.

sarah hope and i are only separated by 18 months, so when she arrived to my high school two years later, we shared the same friends and i was ‘sarah’s sister’. (she is much taller than i so she is not my ‘little’ sister and i looked then as i do now like i’m twelve, so no one automatically guesses that i’m her ‘older’ one; therefore, i was merely ‘sarah’s sister’.)

corporately, we have always been known as ‘the tyson girls’. we are all in our thirties now, no longer girls at all. molly has a new last name. and we are still called ‘the tyson girls’.

now, don’t let me fool you. i had my own identity, too. at the time, my hometown had only a handful of elementary schools, two middle schools and one high school. those of us from ‘old chapel hill’ all knew each other. (we still do.) i didn’t belong to one single ‘group’, i managed to belong to everyone. i went from being a cheerleader my first year to leading a vocal ensemble my last and i had friends in every crowd. i was ‘mary tyson’ then.

i established myself in college in both the music and theatre departments and later in the art program. i was also a resident assistant for three years. it was easy to feel famous at a small women’s college where the entire population was smaller than my senior class in high school. it was the first time in life i wasn’t molly or sarah’s sister. i was, simply, ‘mary kathryn’.

i introduced myself recently to someone who would remember me as ‘tom & anne’s daughter’.

still, throughout my life i have mostly identified as (one of) ‘tommy tyson‘s granddaughter(s)’. his name still precedes me in certain settings. i was welcome wherever he was, and he had favor wherever he went. even now, just being a ‘tyson’ with no association to anyone in particular is sufficient. i am proud to be part of this legacy.

i worked for my family’s ministry after my granddad died. for four years, i woke up each day knowing that people who walked through the doors of our conference center would know my name. even under new ownership, mine was the face folks recognized.

and they were welcome, just as they had been every day for the previous 30 years by someone else who bore the same last name i had.

i was in the middle of packing up and purging thirty years of my family’s history and moving it out of our farmhouse four years ago this month.

in about two weeks, i would wave off the last moving truck and throw one final bag in the back of my suv. i would leave my keys in the mailbox by the back door and roll down the driveway one last time.

and i would head to a town where few knew my first name, much less my last.

and no one recognized my face.

no one really knew i was there at all.

i was neither mary or mary kathryn tyson or tom & anne’s daughter or molly or sarah’s sister or tommy’s granddaughter. i was yet all of these, but not to anyone in my new town.

the associations with which i had most identified throughout my life had vanished entirely.

apart from these, i felt i had no identity of my own.

(you might guess that this was the onset of my last descent down the hole, even though it was only one of several circumstances surrounding that season of my depression.)

and it was during this season, slowly but surely, when i was stripped bare and thought i was unknown that the lord of my heart so clearly spoke his definition over me as:

mary kathryn, child of god.

time and again i would hear during this time, ‘is this enough for you? can this be enough for you? let this be enough for you.’

while my relationships are a part of who i am, and i am proud of my family name, i walked through a period of time when this had to become enough for me. rather, i had to understand that this identity alone made me enough. 

being a tyson or hailing from a family full of ministers or being anyone’s sister or daughter or being recognized as a big fish in a little pond isn’t at all my definition. before i was born any of these, before becoming anyone’s wife or someone’s mother, i was created a christ-child in the image of my father. these pieces of me grow dim in the light of the knowledge and understanding that bearing the name of christ is the only i identity worth having. if i bear no other name, this is the only one i need.

just as i am, it is enough for me to be known only as

mary kathryn, child of god.

i know now as he taught me then, this is enough for me.

i am, fully and completely and only

mary kathryn, child of god.

and you, friend, are enough just as you are, too. your identity is not being his daughter or her friend or being a famous worship leader or well-known writer.

you are, simply:

beloved, child of god.

and this is enough for you.

]]> http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/identity-crisis/feed/ 10 mktys0n http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/brights-brighter/ http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/brights-brighter/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2012 11:52:33 +0000 mary kathryn tyson http://marykathryntyson.wordpress.com/?p=3294 ]]> i was standing in the lunch line in the cafeteria at estes hills elementary school the first time i heard the word ‘vivid’. my friend jessica laughed and said, ‘you have such a vivid imagination, mary.’ i don’t remember what i had said but i remember having to ask her what that word meant. we were waiting for our teacher to escort us back to our sixth grade classroom.

when i think of the word vivid, i think of what she said to me that day.

bright. creative. colorful. wild.

i think of laundry detergent making our brights brighter and our whites whiter. sometimes i wonder if my clothes will ever hurt my eyes when i pull them out of the wash because of the plastic promise made.

i think of all things made new and fresh and pure and clean and holy.

our brights brighter and our whites whiter.

when i first got sober, i remember going on a hike and feeling like i was seeing color for the first time.

the beauty of god manifest through creation was brighter.

and i was made whiter.

today’s prompt:

vivid.

i am very much a daily person. i can’t tell you what i ate for breakfast yesterday or what i’m wearing tomorrow, but i can pretty much tell you where i’ll be from one moment to the next today. i have a hard time committing to plans next week, but call me today (or text because i’m not really a phone person) and i’m yours.

unless i’m not.

(okay, so you might have to give me 24 hours but then…i’m all yours.)

as someone who has adapted to a one day at a time-sort of life, i rarely (read: next-to-never) look toward the future. i believe very much in grace for today and our mercies being new every morning. i know we are only guaranteed today – this day.

the thing is, i don’t really plan for the future at all. as in…it’s probably a problem.

was. was probably a problem.

i was cleaning my bathroom tonight when i caught a glimpse of myself and it suddenly occurred to me that i will be 35 this year.

i am not even halfway there, and yet i am anticipating my next birthday. 

not only that, but i became acutely aware that i am that much closer to forty. when i turn 35 in 9 months, i will be five years from forty.

but what surprised me most, and most emphatically, is that for the first time in a very real way, i realized i am an adult at the exact same time i actually felt like an adult. you know, a grown-up.

as in, my body and my brain and my heart and my mind and my soul aligned and i suddenly didn’t feel 13 or 26 or like i’m a kid trapped in an adult-size body. i finally feel like a life-size adult.

i am not freaked out by this. in fact, i couldn’t be more excited. 

i have been crippled in life by fear and the feeling that i am the broken child of my family, most certainly the black sheep, and that i’ll always be dependent on someone in some way.

but today…tonight…that…changed.

in an instant. while i was cleaning my bathroom.

and it warrants change.

suddenly everything came together and i realized for the first time in a long, long time:

no one owes me anything, and i don’t owe anyone anything, either.

i don’t have to ask permission from my family and, while it would be nice, i don’t even have to have their blessing.

i am fully capable of making responsible decisions about my own life.

i have everything i need. anything i want is up to me to get or achieve.

i answer wholly and solely and only to god.

most folks on my dad’s side of the family do not live past 80, though i am banking on being the one who will bury everyone else. plus, my mom’s family lives long.

but if, by chance, i am five years from my life being half-over…and the revelation that my life is entirely and only up to me and god…then what the bleep am i doing with myself? 

how do i really want to spend the last half of my life? i live now as if i’m an old, married person when i’ve actually been given a unique gift of singleness to live out however much longer god sees fit. (maybe forever, who even knows anymore.)

i’m still sitting with all of this but i’ll tell you, change is a’coming, folks. and it’s good, so good. and it’s god, too.

and i will not be afraid anymore.

i’ll keep you posted.

meanwhile, i’ve started a leap list and i’m calling it 40 x 40. (i’ll post it when i wake up this morning, after this post has posted.) it’s nowhere near full, so i welcome any ideas you have of adventures to live, books i should read, people to meet, things to do, places to see, movies to watch or life moments to savor before i turn 40.

but, think quick.

i only have five years and nine months to get it all together.

have you had any a-ha moments lately?

Romans 16, nlt {emphasis mine}

Paul Greets His Friends

¹ I commend to you our sister Phoebe, who is a deacon in the church in Cenchrea. ² Welcome her in the Lord as one who is worthy of honor among God’s people. Help her in whatever she needs, for she has been helpful to many, and especially to me.

³ Give my greetings to Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in the ministry of Christ Jesus. ⁴ In fact, they once risked their lives for me. I am thankful to them, and so are all the Gentile churches. ⁵ Also give my greetings to the church that meets in their home.

Greet my dear friend Epenetus. He was the first person from the province of Asia to become a follower of Christ. ⁶ Give my greetings to Mary, who has worked so hard for your benefit. ⁷Greet Andronicus and Junia, my fellow Jews, who were in prison with me. They are highly respected among the apostles and became followers of Christ before I did. ⁸ Greet Ampliatus, my dear friend in the Lord. ⁹ Greet Urbanus, our co-worker in Christ, and my dear friend Stachys.

¹⁰ Greet Apelles, a good man whom Christ approves. And give my greetings to the believers from the household of Aristobulus.¹¹ Greet Herodion, my fellow Jew. Greet the Lord’s people from the household of Narcissus. ¹² Give my greetings to Tryphena and Tryphosa, the Lord’s workers, and to dear Persis, who has worked so hard for the Lord. ¹³ Greet Rufus, whom the Lord picked out to be his very own; and also his dear mother, who has been a mother to me.

¹⁴ Give my greetings to Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and the brothers and sisters who meet with them. ¹⁵Give my greetings to Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and to Olympas and all the believers who meet with them. ¹⁶Greet each other in Christian love. All the churches of Christ send you their greetings.

{paul makes it clear that he has not forgotten, and in fact wants to honor, those who have paved his way through ministry. something important for each of us to remember, no?}

Paul’s Final Instructions

¹⁷ And now I make one more appeal, my dear brothers and sisters. Watch out for people who cause divisions and upset people’s faith by teaching things contrary to what you have been taught. Stay away from them. ¹⁸ Such people are not serving Christ our Lord; they are serving their own personal interests. By smooth talk and glowing words they deceive innocent people.¹⁹ But everyone knows that you are obedient to the Lord. This makes me very happy. I want you to be wise in doing right and to stay innocent of any wrong. ²⁰ The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.

²¹ Timothy, my fellow worker, sends you his greetings, as do Lucius, Jason, and Sosipater, my fellow Jews.

²² I, Tertius, the one writing this letter for Paul, send my greetings, too, as one of the Lord’s followers.

²³ Gaius says hello to you. He is my host and also serves as host to the whole church. Erastus, the city treasurer, sends you his greetings, and so does our brother Quartus.

²⁵ Now all glory to God, who is able to make you strong, just as my Good News says. This message about Jesus Christ has revealed his plan for you Gentiles, a plan kept secret from the beginning of time. ²⁶ But now as the prophets foretold and as the eternal God has commanded, this message is made known to all Gentiles everywhere, so that they too might believe and obey him. ²⁷ All glory to the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, forever. Amen.

and i am okay.

good morning day three of welcoming this foreign agent into my foggy body and i know it will take a few weeks before i’m no longer bug-eyed and i can eat again and sleep with rest but i am for now again thankful for my saving grace.

and i am ready for my soul to rest and my spirit to soar and for my heart to not be weepy anymore. and perhaps and most likely it’s psychosomatic that i only just found hope again on tuesday in his office and already feel good inside but it’s all jesus, every bit…

rescuing me, pulling me up step-by-step and out of the hole i stumbled into again but i will leave the gorilla there because that’s where he lives best, where he belongs, and i don’t need him here on the outside.

i feel alive, i feel free and i feel awake again. ready to face the day and all that it holds, with open arms and a willing heart and a spirit inside that heartily offers a resounding, yes.

alive, free and awake.

a good way to start the day, the new year, off with a bang.

   “Awake, O sleeper, 
      rise up from the dead, 
      and Christ will give you light.”

-ephesians 5:14, nlt

today’s prompt: awake

join us?

write before you read, without edit or filter.

you are always welcome to use a comment-space here if you don’t have one of your own to fill.

you can find my previous 5mf posts here.

Romans: 15:14-33, nlt {emphasis mine}

Paul’s Reason for Writing

¹⁴ I am fully convinced, my dear brothers and sisters, that you are full of goodness. You know these things so well you can teach each other all about them. ¹⁵ Even so, I have been bold enough to write about some of these points, knowing that all you need is this reminder. For by God’s grace, ¹⁶ I am a special messenger from Christ Jesus to you Gentiles. I bring you the Good News so that I might present you as an acceptable offering to God, made holy by the Holy Spirit. ¹⁷ So I have reason to be enthusiastic about all Christ Jesus has done through me in my service to God. ¹⁸ Yet I dare not boast about anything except what Christ has done through me, bringing the Gentiles to God by my message and by the way I worked among them. ¹⁹ They were convinced by the power of miraculous signs and wonders and by the power of God’s Spirit. In this way, I have fully presented the Good News of Christ from Jerusalem all the way to Illyricum.

²⁰ My ambition has always been to preach the Good News where the name of Christ has never been heard, rather than where a church has already been started by someone else. ²¹ I have been following the plan spoken of in the Scriptures, where it says,

“Those who have never been told about him will see,
and those who have never heard of him will understand.”

²² In fact, my visit to you has been delayed so long because I have been preaching in these places. {even Paul had time management issues }

Paul’s Travel Plans

²³ But now I have finished my work in these regions, and after all these long years of waiting, I am eager to visit you. ²⁴ I am planning to go to Spain, and when I do, I will stop off in Rome. And after I have enjoyed your fellowship for a little while, you can provide for my journey.

²⁵ But before I come, I must go to Jerusalem to take a gift to the believers there. ²⁶ For you see, the believers in Macedonia and Achaia have eagerly taken up an offering for the poor among the believers in Jerusalem. ²⁷ They were glad to do this because they feel they owe a real debt to them. Since the Gentiles received the spiritual blessings of the Good News from the believers in Jerusalem, they feel the least they can do in return is to help them financially. ²⁸ As soon as I have delivered this money and completed this good deed of theirs, I will come to see you on my way to Spain. ²⁹ And I am sure that when I come, Christ will richly bless our time together.

³⁰ Dear brothers and sisters, I urge you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to join in my struggle by praying to God for me. Do this because of your love for me, given to you by the Holy Spirit. ³¹ Pray that I will be rescued from those in Judea who refuse to obey God. Pray also that the believers there will be willing to accept the donation I am taking to Jerusalem. {that’s an earnest prayer, isn’t it? that others would be open to our ‘donation’ – of anything at all – but of finances. our pride gets in the way of receiving so often, doesn’t it?} ³²Then, by the will of God, I will be able to come to you with a joyful heart, and we will be an encouragement to each other. {Paul was moved by helping and giving others; out of this overflow, he could enter into a mutually encouraging relationship with the Romans. He wasn’t only seeking, as a messenger of God, to build up others – he knew that he would also be inspired by them.}

³³ And now may God, who gives us his peace, be with you all. Amen.

and so, today, in grand celebration of your 32nd year, i present to you All Things Leigh, a comprehensive list (in no particular order) of everything there is to love about my bloggy-bff-turned-one of my bff’s IRL, leigh kramer.

* * * * * * * * * *

i wish i could tell you just how badly my eyebrows bother me here. but wait, this is a post about leigh. nevermind.

1. the very nature of this list is a direct result of knowing leigh. i learned about the birthday bucket from her. (take note you might not be able to find a new one for me this year. decided i’d take this year off. or something.) actually…come to think of it…she had ‘meet mary kathryn’ on her bucket list and she came to alabama when i was there last spring in order to make that happen. gosh, i adore her for doing that.

2. leigh is one of those folks who actually (ahem) crosses off things on her birthday bucket list, which is to say she follows through – with…life. i love that about her. she doesn’t let fear or insecurities hold her back – in fact, she’s pretty fearless – instead, she uses them to propel her forward. leigh inspires.

3. leigh values her relationships more than just about anyone i know. she is so committed to her friendships and the people in her life. as such, she creates an ode to friendship mix that she sends out to her friends at the end of each year of all the cool music she’s found over the course of the year, which means she’s perpetually thinking of the people in her life – what would they like? oh! she would love this song! 

4. speaking of which, she still collects and keeps cd’s. who does that anymore? leigh does. a relic in her own right, she keeps a perfect balance in life of what’s good about the old while inviting in the new & different.

5. in general, leigh is very, very balanced. she’s also fairly unassuming. she has a bounce about her, she spills life. she doesn’t draw attention to herself with a boisterous personality; rather, she invites others in by drawing them out.

6. leigh is hysterical to boot! i knew just from reading a few of her words that we would immediately get along. i love a quick wit and a sharp sense-of-humor and leigh defies both. we spent our very first, in-person conversation analyzing the life and times of gilligan’s island. i enjoy myself when i am around leigh.

heatherly, leigh & mk at she speaks, 2011

7. one can’t really anticipate the outcome of meeting someone from the blogosphere in real life, much less share a room with them for a weekend, but i had a feeling everything would turn out just fine for me and leigh. (and it did.) but what i didn’t expect was just how comfortable we would be with each other. our friendship, though new, fits like my first pair of cowboy boots that i will never, ever get rid of or outgrow no matter how many times i have them re-soled because they are just that sacred and only get better with time.

8. especially in these last months, leigh has been at the ready, phone in hand for me. she has been more than gracious to talk me down off a few ledges in recent months (related to circumstantial situations moreso than my depression, though there’s that, too). leigh is one of the most committed friends i have ever had. ever. hands down.

9. leigh listens and advises without giving advice, if that makes sense. mostly she listens, and only responds with such grace and understanding. she always and only ever says to me, you are normal, and there have been so many days when i didn’t know that was what i needed to hear. a social worker by nature, her exposure to the hearts and minds of people have made her a compassionate, tender and empathetic friend. 

10. leigh has got to be one of the most emotionally balanced & mentally healthy persons i know, truly. she may be affected by life for a moment, but she is confident in who she is and what she brings to the table, and knows there’s always room for growth, too. her security in herself helps others feel more secure in themselves.

11. when i was in nashville for my cousin’s wedding, i let leigh come with my family to brunch. i say ‘let’ because, well…well, let’s just say it makes me nervous to expose anyone to certain members of my family lest there be any semblance. i usually wait a while to make certain introductions, especially in the case of a friend i mostly know virtually, anyway. but she came with grace and ease – not only that, she came just for love of me. because she wanted to see and spend time with me. and, even though i did lose my cool at a certain point, leigh didn’t judge or think less of me.

12. we spent the rest of the day at her favorite dessertery, drinking cup after cup of fruit tea. i know she social-worked me that day, but we sat and talked for hours and probably could have stayed for hours longer. leigh is my favorite kind of friend, of the comfy couch variety. 

13. did y’all know leigh’s written a book? a novel. her first. she set a goal of starting & finishing a book by the end of 2011, laid out the timeline of how to make it happen, and then…well, she did it. (again with the follow-through.) she even quit her job in order to expedite the process. leigh is just. so. cool.

14. additionally, she uprooted herself from her homeland of chicago to make a new life for herself down south in nashville. leigh is bold, confident, and moves in the direction of her dreams. this girl who gets paralyzed by fear so admires that about her.

15. our friendship has hit a few bumps in the road, as friendships tend to do over time, where either we’ve disappointed each other or offered an apology for words (mis)spoken, but our friendship has not been threatened. in each case, leigh facilitates an open, honest dialogue that is real and respectful. 

16. leigh is steady as a rock and does not waiver in who she is or in her confidence in the lord. she teaches me daily how to use my feet. and my thumbs.

17. leigh is just…good. and she is honest. and kind. and fair. i never wonder if she is going to hold back or spare my feelings. i trust her judgment implicitly.

18. true to her name, leigh offers hope and is a glass-halfull person. ever the optimist, she encourages without blowing sunshine up your arse. she lives her best self from the inside out and, in so doing, calls that forth in those around her.

19. and this is kinda random, but i love watching her weave her way through the internets. in addition to crafting words to perfection on her own blog, she is always guest-posting here or writing for this collaboration or that. i read everyone else’s best stuff based on her recommendation. fostering relationships comes so naturally for her, even through our virtual society. i’m really not sure how she does it with such flexibility, but it’s probably because she has better time management skills than i have.

20. leigh is FUN! i get so sad and jealous when she tells me of all the shows she’s seeing in nashville and where she’s been and what she’s doing and with whom. she truly lives an adventurous life and fun happens wherever leigh is.

in short, leigh is awesome. everyone should be so fortunate to have a friend like her.

* * * * * * * * * *

sweet home alabama 2011, where we first met in real life

leigh, in what seems like a not very long amount of time, you have become one of my truest, deepest, dearest sister-friends of the heart. thank you for daily teaching me how to be a friend. for spicing up my life with your banter, for all the hours you have spent listening and for each ledge off of which you have talked me down, i could not repay.

but, the thing is, you wouldn’t ask me to. because you teach me that it’s just what friends do.

my heart is full of gratitude for you, on this and every day, leigh.

but especially on this day, especially on the day of your birth, my heart is celebrating your life and thanking jesus for you.

i pray this year more than any other is full of hope, wonder and magic for you…

that dreams come true and wishes are realized…

and each day is full of sparkle and shine…

because that is what you bring into this world each day. 

i love you so much, my dear, sweet friend.

what a pleasure it is to do life and walk this journey with you.

thank you for the privilege of being your friend.

do you know leigh? (you should if you don’t.)

what would you add to this list?

what do you love about leigh?

i have been irritable, self-centered, and extremely cranky. pissy, i say.

i don’t even use the word pissy normally. that’s an annoying & gross word. this is also a sign to myself.

i have not been available in ways i am when i am my most generous self.

i have been impatient and unkind, not at all characteristic of me on my better days.

(i have also found myself to be self-righteous.)

i have judged people in ways i haven’t heard myself judge in a really, really long time. the kind of judging others that you learn in your first few therapy sessions are actually the characters flaws you see in yourself. and, quite honestly, it disgusts me. i am not that way, not normally. it’s weird and i hate it. 

i have gotten on my own nerves, so i would understand if i have gotten on yours.

the most heartbreaking part of this whole mess that is, well…me…over the last few months is that i have especially lacked grace where i would like to think it has otherwise flowed so freely.

grace is my…well, if i don’t have and show grace? she who knows how much has been and is continuously extended to her? who fights for and seeks it and pursues it with vigilance and hello, it’s in my very own blog-tag? grace is the very heart and soul of my being. 

like i said, that’s been The Most Heartbreaking Part Of It All for me. it really devastates my heart because i know better. i don’t know differently. (not anymore.) but i have acted as if i don’t know better and i do know differently and this sucks.

i have been very up and down and all over the place and sideways these last months. i could blame it on certain crazy-making people or circumstances because there are a few of those, too. but, the truth is, i have lost some of my tools and have forgotten how to use other ones which, even around my crazy-makers, i am normally capable of making better sense of the world and of myself when i am in my right mind.

surprisingly, i haven’t made a fool of myself or lost my shit in public or toward my family or said anything to anyone i would have to later repent for saying.

(that i can think of, anyway.)

i have had the wherewithal, fortunately, to call out The Cranky and apologize or stop or remove myself before severely manifesting. that, and i’ve pretty much only put myself around folks i know that i know that i know wouldn’t bring out The Cranky or would love me through it, and have avoided those that i feared i could hurt with The Cranky. i don’t trust The Cranky. down with The Cranky.

the sad alternative, though, has been that i have isolated and climbed back into my very hollow, uncomfortable shell.

i am not surprised. i know where i am. 

i recognize this place. this lonesome, dark, full-of-fear place.

it is not the place of my holiday funk, though i hoped for a moment that’s all that it was.

there are days and even just moments when i have thought, no, i’m okay. it’s passed.

but the truth is, i tripped a few months back and have slowly fallen backward into the very lonely, dark hole that is my depression.

hell, who am i kidding? it’s not been backward at all. i pretty much dove in, face first. because that’s what happens when i, you know, try to play my own hero.

i cry when no one’s looking and sometimes when they are, if i am especially safe in their company. in this place, i get stuck and i can’t get myself out. and even if i could, i don’t have the energy to try. i have heard myself say a few times that i feel lost and alone. i can’t make sense of very much and i’m motivated to do even less than that. things that usually roll off my back have bothered me in ways that nag.

to be real honest with you? if you were to call me a dry-drunk, i wouldn’t couldn’t get upset with you.

well, and to lay it all bare for you? i’m real surprised i haven’t just forfeited all my chips but for the grace of god. i have enough sense about me to know i can’t go back there again, though i can’t say it hasn’t been a thought in my mind.

(we’re only as sick as our secrets, right? so, there’s mine.)

i leave the shoebox because i have to work (thank god), but most mornings i attempt to beg the day not to come by forcing my eyes not to open. (strangely enough, this doesn’t work. i know. ODD.)

i still fight for myself as best i can.

sweet little zella-girl makes me take her on long walks (scratch that, reverse it) and i make myself listen to either worship or my favorite fun songs as we bumble along down the road. and the breeze feels good on my soul.

some days, i will call friends in order to get outside of myself.

on my very best days, i will have coffee with a friend.

but most days, i cancel plans or say no all together.

i want to get out of myself. i have wanted to say yes. i haven’t wanted to be here.

but most days i haven’t been able to be anywhere else.

and, unfortunately, this hole isn’t big enough for company.

depression isn’t moodiness. and it’s not what normies might liken to a bad day. it’s not feeling sad (not on any normal level, anyway). for one, it’s chemical. so, there’s that. but, for two, the last time i found myself here, i said it is like i am in a black, me-sized hole and god can’t reach down far enough and i can’t reach up high enough for us to get to each other.

it’s just that also with me in the hole, see, is this monkey on my back. only he’s more like a gorilla. a limp, lame, deaf, dumb, blind and mute gorilla. just hanging out. on my back.

down, down, down into the hole the gorilla and i go. went.

and down, down, down the gorilla and i will stay until one of us gets restless enough to try and get out again.

even still, i pray. oh, i pray, i pray, i pray…believe me, i pray.

and i have felt close to god, perhaps closer in these long legs of my journey than in any other…which i guess probably sounds strange? that i would feel so close to god, yet so far away?

i know god is and has been there each time i have found myself in the hole (which, incidentally, has been three very significant times; this being the third.) karen first made me aware of my depression in the first 30 minutes of my very first appointment with her after i had been sitting in it comfortably like a sad, drunk, homeless person living beneath a bridge for the better part of my life. that is to say, i was 26 when i faced and started dealing with what she thought landed on me like a disease around the time i was 13. the spiral began the second time…around this time of year, actually…four years ago, when i first moved from my hometown to the town where i now live.

the thing is, it’s always looming. it’s not like it strikes from nowhere when i’m not looking. in between the three times i was staring at it directly in the face, it was always hanging around, waiting for me to notice or engage it. like the dark, brooding bad-boy (ahem #ryangosling #badboyworldtour #jordancatalano) who hangs around outside the soda shop smoking & playing it cool, waiting for the pretty girl to notice him, only he acts like he doesn’t notice her just so he can get her to notice him.

my depression is kinda like that. 

i know the bad-boy isn’t good for me, but i kinda feel sorry for him and wonder what the mystery is all about. plus, i think i kinda like danger.

but then i get swept up in his sad drama and maybe i even start smoking again and i wear his leather jacket and my friends stop calling and when i realize i can’t figure him out because he can’t be figured out, i remember why i should have just walked on by the first time i saw him. and the second.

there are ways i can make it more difficult for myself, and ways i can live with it more manageably and actually enjoy a happy, fun and successful life. six or so months ago, i made the best decision i could make for myself at the time when i gradually took myself off my anti. but what i couldn’t pay for with insurance, i have paid for in deuces with this fog i’ve been walking through.

i’m not suicidal, but i wouldn’t care very much if i slipped off the attic step. or if that car hadn’t seen me. or what if…i just…disappeared? those are the unsettling kind of thoughts i’ve had.

uplifting, no? encouraging, isn’t it.

the thing is, i know how pitiful i sound in my depression. maybe it’s all the therapy or too much aa, but i have enough self-awareness to know that to those who can’t relate (thankfully), i sound really, really pitiful. so i’m doing well to laugh at myself.

and the limp, lame, deaf, dumb, blind and mute gorilla.

who sometimes gets his feelings hurt.

and has itches he can’t scratch.

i walk around in a haze or a daze, depending on the day, and i paint my face and plaster on my smile and pray, pray, pray that i can make it through the day without falling apart completely because, were that to happen, i wouldn’t have a very good reason for it.

or any reason at all.

i could have seen it coming. i did, actually. and those who were paying attention best of all saw it coming, too.

i was just hoping it wouldn’t. come, i mean.

i tried to talk it out of coming. tried to convince the depression not to come.

but it did. it has. the depression is here. and it’s been here for the last few months.

you shouldn’t be surprised about it, either. in fact, you probably aren’t. because don’t you remember the day i told you how i lost my insurance and weaned myself off my anti?

i was secretly thankful and thought maybe my depression wasn’t as bad as it had been before, or maybe i just didn’t have it anymore. you know…like a virus. 

i fought it. i was pro-active in the beginning. i asked friends to pay attention, and they did.

i tried.

i tried, i tried, i tried. oh, how i tried. believe me, i tried.

i tried not to have it again.

i tried not to be depressed.

but i can’t try not to have depression, i realize now.

there aren’t words enough to pray my way out of it, no matter how loud or hard or quiet i am or close to jesus i feel.

(don’t you know i would if i could? if that were enough? all that it took to get me out of the hole and over the hump?)

but i can glorify god through it.

it’s a slow fade but i see it now. i recognize it. i know it all too well now.

the gift that is my depression, i mean.

but things will be different on tuesday.

everything will be better on tuesday.

see, i am considered high-risk because i’ve been treated for both a melanoma and depression; therefore, i qualify for guv’ment-based insurance, which kicked in for me on january 1. (say what you will about our president, i could kiss him on the mouth for the new healthcare system.)

so i’ve very willingly tucked my tired tail between my paralyzed legs and me and the gorilla are surrendering again to my p.a. tomorrow.

as it were, i only checked in with him for about 15 minutes every few months, so he doesn’t know i broke up with him and my anti. (totally awesome of me, i know.) i was just sort of hoping he wouldn’t, you know…notice…so we wouldn’t have to…you know…have a weird, awkward break-up talk when i would tell him it’s not him, it’s me, when we really shouldn’t have ever been together in the first place and

wait, what?

um, anywho…

(weird.)

anyway, i’m not sure what to expect when he finds this out, though i’m sure i’m not his first client who tried to save her own day. like i said, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

but this i know, of this one thing i am certain:

come tuesday, i will have hope again. 

an aside: i told leigh when i finished writing this on saturday night that i realize i haven’t really shared this part of my journey with you all. she said it may not have been time, or perhaps it wasn’t on my heart, before. good point, i told her. (she is always full of good points, that one.) better to write on in when i’m in the thick of it, i said. or…when there’s a soon-and-coming hope.

{thank you, jesus, for being my one-and-only hope.}

another aside: just as it took several weeks to get out of my system, it will likely take a few weeks for my anti to get back in to my system. i am praying against for minimal side effects during this time. but, just so you know, it may get worse before it gets better. and by ‘it’ i mean ‘i’. the good news, the part i know you’ve all been waiting for, is that i lost weight the last time i started taking it. so, here’s hoping.

i fear i have not won the battle against my flesh over these last months, so please know how profoundly sorry i am if i have made any off-color remarks to you or said or done anything that has been hurtful, even virtually. admittedly, i lack a filter between my brain and my mouth but i can usually access my delay button so please, please forgive me if i have failed to use that button when i should have but forgot. or just didn’t, but should have.

(as long as it’s something that actually does belong to me.)

(dang. see what i mean? the no filter thing.)

ugh. everything will be better on tuesday.

(for all of us.)

i promise.

thanks for loving me.

xo

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